I’m not okay but I try to take care of myself

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I am not okay. I am really not okay.

I’m having a hard time to keep standing. To keep functioning.
But I’m afraid I will crash. I try to take care of myself the best I can.

Yet I feel myself slipping away. I’m fighting this for a couple of months now.

If it stays like this, I will have to arrange something with work. Because I can’t keep working fullime. Or maybe even 8 hours a day : it’s so hard and exhausting.

But work doesn’t know anything. And if I go to the doctor, then what?

On a waiting list for months again? But what can they actually do against depression? Not so much, because it’s like waiting for the storm to pass. Getting on zombiemedication again, trying for months and years till finally something works and getting on a lot of weight again that never got off before? It’s not healthy and dangerous too.

I feel like there is not really a choice. I don’t want to gain weight again. Other healthrisks.

I don’t want to be a zombie again. And I don’t want this depression to take over me.

But it’s hard. I’m really trying. But I feel lonely in this war.

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3 thoughts on “I’m not okay but I try to take care of myself

  1. If you don’t mind my asking, do you live somewhere where you can sit out in the sun? Or… Can you go to a tanning bed?

    I force myself to stay outside in the sun… even if it’s just reading a book on a lawn chair…. It helps. Daily.. If you can

    Also, exercise. I absolutely hate it… And when you’re feeling depressed the last thing you want to do is move… But make yourself go for a short walk

    The rest, I’m so sorry that you feel this way. But you are not alone. I spent last year pretty much coming out of my home to work and occasionally grocery shop… Didn’t even realize how badly depressed I was until it was over

    • There’s not much sun here to find at the moment, but I do go outside. I know it’s important. Almost every day I go around for a little walk, some days longer walks – I’m trying to stick to that no matter what. But even that sometimes can’t change these deep feelings, sometimes they take overhand…I know I have to keep the basics on track – sleep, eat, exercise, and see people from time to time, and I try to keep work going, but sometimes it’s just so difficult.

      Thanks for writing a reply, I appreciate that a lot.

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