Working towards the ‘future’

Looking forward to the future is not something I’m very good at I guess. It’s a struggle to pass the days usually, so why look to much ahead? That only makes things more difficult, and it’s simply too far away.

Though somehow, I feel like I have to make a little plan this time. Because if the job I have now ends, I don’t want to fall in this big black hole I’ve been in before. I’m not really something, my study didn’t give me anything in particular and I’m not really very skilled or have some kind of talent that stands out. So if I want to make it in life, I have to do something. Plan something. Look ahead.

I already lost years of my life. I’ve never really lived a life like I wanted to. I always feel obligued to take care that others are okay, make sure they have their needs. Not mine. My life’s empty, so why bother? I’m not good in anything. I’m just a void; so it always felt like I had no right to turn life my way.

Also, I always thought I would not pass 30. But I did. And I’m still here.

But lately something is pushing from the inside of me, I guess. I’m still empty, for the biggest part. But I feel the need to start doing things. It’s a bit hard to explain, it’s a combination of anger, frustration, of disliking the person I am. I can’t live the life anymore that I’m in. It’s a prison, and it’s killing me.

One thing is already taking place: my move. I will probably have moved completely end of August. Another thing is a course I subscribed for. In september I will go to a survival course in Sweden. It gives me a lot of doubts, can I do this, will I be able to level with the people? How do I get there? Is this the right thing to do? Yet I need to learn these things. I want to know how to survive. I want to be able to survive when I’m completely on my own, when things fall away or when a war breaks out. With all the things going on in the world, you can never be sure enough.

I’m having a few more vague plans. I want to do more martial arts. Train myself. I hope to manage once I live in the city again. And go training next to work. We’ll see, I guess time will tell. For now, I still feel empty, but a floating emptiness.



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