I feel the storm is not over yet. I think something might happen. Like something, as in an upcoming death. I don’t know exactly how or why or when, but I think my grandma is dying. Well, of course we’re all dying in the end, but maybe this will come like in soon.
She has been sick of a while (cancer in the throat) and she always talks about death (for over years), but somehow things seem to change. I can’t exactly say how, but it’s different. She is maybe preparing to die, I don’t know. Sometimes people they know they are going to die somehow. I do not know, its just what I heard.
She asked about her insurance (which is way too low, a bit late to ask about but she never cared before) and about stuff (who wants to have this and that) and came this afternoon walking by (while my parents visited this morning). I don’t know. There’s something.
Maybe I am completely wrong, and maybe it’s weird and not nice to write about, but I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t talk about it to anyone, and it is bothering me. Because I have no idea how to deal with it, how to feel or what to do.
Because the worst thing is that I do not know if I really care. This sounds hard and rude, but the situation is really complicated. She wasn’t so nice to my parents. She made their life a bit like hell sometimes. It doesn’t seem that she ever accepted my dad , her son, or my mom. My dad was hit and told he couldn’t do anything right. My grandparents (grandfather is dead for some time) forbid him a lot. He didn’t want to see them again after he married my mom, but in my mom’s culture it’s not possible to ‘abandon your family’.Anyway, my moms from abroad and they dont seem to like abroad people. You know I could write about it for ages, of everything that happened but I don’t want to. Please just believe me that its complicated.
Now my parents will go to the family abroad soon. There’s not much people left here. Just me. Just one of my sisters. I have an aunt, her daughter, but complicated too: she never asks them, they don’t ask anything back. They just live beside and distant. Thats how it always went.
And I can’t help myself the questions:
WHat if something happens now?
What if she dies when my parents just left or want to leave?
She will stirr all the plans again.
She feels sorry about the things in the past I think, because of certain things she says sometimes. But she never said sorry, or admitted. She will talk like “look how nice and good I am”, but in the meantime, truth is different.And now she’s old and no one’s there.
And now she feels sorry. And is afraid to die. Her own relatives, a few alive, they are not in touch, because they dislike each other (well actually, it’s more like hate).
Anyway, I just keep wondering what is the truth.
And I know I will never really know.
And I know I will never know how to deal with this.
I feel her fear. I feel pain. I feel so much things, but they are not mine. And still they are strong. I feel anger. I feel the things that went wrong. I feel the things that happened and were not nice. I feel that she always wanted to hide them. I feel the past.
And I will never know.
I will always wonder how
And always wonder how to deal with this.