I feel like a bad person.

My last post was how I felt earlier today. How I’ve been feeling the last few weeks.
Of course that is just my feelings, and maybe not the truth. And now I feel bad. Bad about myself, that I express this way and that I feel and think this way.

One of the others that I felt pulling at me, is my mom.
But she’s not a bad person. She just doesn’t understand me. She has a different view on lilfe, she works different. And that’s all. But maybe that’s no reason to talk or write like I do. I feel bad; it’s not right.

Though she can be pushy and she is always a step in front. No matter what I do, it’s never enough, that is how I really feel, and always did. I am not like her. I can’t live life to her standards.

She had a really difficult life growing up. She’s not from here, and actually fled a bad familysituation and country. She married my dad, but my dad’s family is not nice neither. Honestly, my family is not cool; on one side there is a lot of alcohol abuse / mental abuse and neglect. On the other side it’s just mean people, mental abuse, and they only think about themselves but really do mean things but pretend to the outside world they are so nice. I could write about it for ages, it just makes me angry and sad.

So I should not blame my mom. It’s not her fault. She has a hard life enough already. She lost her mom last year, which was a huge toll. Her mom, my grandma, is/was one of the very few familymembers who are not mean and who do not abuse others. So I felt really, really bad for her.

Today I looked at my mom. She wants things to be very VERY clean. She kind of insisted to come to my new house. She did. She immediatly started cleaning. I dont like that. My standards are not high enough for her, and she makes me feel like I don’t do things right and her pace is just so high, that I have trouble to keep up. My body is not so strong, but she’s 25 years older. And I’m the weak one.

I didn’t grow up so nice. BUt it was not her fault. She really did what she could, but she had such a hard time to keep standing herself. She raised me almost alone. With this weird family situation – they stirred things up. I am so sorry, mom, I am sorry.

I just can’t be the person you want me to be. I just can’t.

 

 

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