The shadow that’s hanging over my “I try to keep things together life”


The last few weeks I’ve been barely hanging in in some kind of way.  A limit is reached at work: yes, it’s really nice I got a pay rise (..Officially my contract ends beginning of April very likely it will be extended), but….I can’t do all the extra things they want me to, and they don’t listen to my signals that it’s (becoming) too much. They just add and add. They gave me more subjects to handle, big subjects, and pressure things. I get overwhelmed and stuck: my head blocks. There is too much information to keep updated on, and too less time. As well the computer systems I need don’t work properly often and sometimes make it impossible to do my job.  I feel tensed already when I drive to work. I go to work and come back, and just lie on my bed and hang around. It can’t go on that way.

Next to that, stuff in my family is driving me insane again. I’m  so so sick of it, I want to take my backpack and leave everything behind: my head is spinning, I DON”T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE. At the same time I’m angry at myself: WHY THE HELL AM I STILL HERE and not moved out?

The smallest things annoy me. It’s just killing me. I can not live like this. I can’t.

I can not even write down here what all these things are – it’s already so much to write this here. It looks like a short text, but it’s exhausting to write this. I’m done, so done.

Next to that, another cool thing, I’m sick. Physically.I’ve been sickish for a few weeks (sickness going around everywhere at work, so far I was pretty okay till last week when fever hit me).

I can’t tell you HOW tired I am. How full my head is. How my limits are reached.

the question is

how to get out of it and get space again in my limits.

I don’t believe in it anymore.


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