Living a life?

The last few weeks, have well…..just been weeks. Where days go by, and days go by.

I don’t really feel like I’m living a life. Most of the things are empty, meaningless, things that ‘have to be done’. But all disconnected from feelings. Things and feelings without a soul.

In most ways, everything has been chaotic. Work has been unstable, due to problems with planning department, extreme busy to nothing to do, to the sounds of the firing people issue. If everything goes according the planning, things will be more clear next week of who’s going to be fired and who not. (Not that I believe that – there are contradicting messages all the time and I don’t know what or who to believe – I guess I ‘ll just wait untill it really happens, because if I don’t its all lost energy of worrying and questioning). I don’t get it why they are so unclear and make so much fuss about it, all this causes is restless people.

Things at home have been difficult.

Sometimes I’m sad I still ‘live at my parents, because sometimes, like now, I dream of my own place. But it’s simple: I can’t really afford it. The risks are too high. Rents are too high. Even with my salary that is above minimum wage. BUT, since my work position and my income is unstable: I never have hour guarantees. Next week it dropped,  I have 16 hours. Thank you cutbacks. If my work drops like that, I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent or other bills.

Now, my sister is back again. I can’t help it, but everything changes when she’s here, certain things annoy me. I’m really okay with having someone over,  but somehow things with her always go the same and they annoy me. Which I find difficult to admit, or somehow I’m ashamed by it, because she’s my sister. She’s fighting hard for a place in the world too.

But somehow, she takes a lot of energy, she’s a very present person, makes a lot of noise. She is also very direct and strong, especially verbally. She also doesn’t have any money, and does whatever fits her. She doesn’t really think about others. Last week, I couldn’t sleep in the evening because i heard her watching movies late at night, and early in the morning I woke because she was jumping and exercising in her room, waking me up. She eats food without thinking someone maybe has to go to work or maybe someone planned something with that. She doesn’t really ask, she just takes and eats it in her room. Doesn’t really eat together or plan to cook for everyone, just for her, whenever she wants to.

I don’t know why it’s so annoying to me – she needs to eat too and do her things.  But the way she behaves, without ever showing something back, is maybe what annoys me te most. Or that I always have to ask or say, that she never sees it herself. For me it’s so logical to realize there are others too and they have needs, but for her, she doesn’t seem to think about it and does whatever comes to her mind without thinking of the others. Is that my failure?

For example, I bought a special chocolate, also for my parents/for everyone. But what happens? She takes the bar,stores in in her room, and  eats it all. To me that is selfish and rude. I can’t understand that. She will not buy a new one. She always asks about this and that, but never goes buy something herself.  There are more ‘little’ things like that, but I’m too tired of it to type them out. I am too tired. And if I say something about it, my mom gets mad too. Whatever. I don’t want to fight about it, but sometimes it’s really pissing me off, like last week, when she ate all the bread and didn’t put a new bread out of the freezer, so I ended up going to work with no bread. No big deal if it happens once, but there’s too much all the time with her, I really can not ‘take it in’ anymore. seems like my limits crossed and since that they’re always crossed. I wish I could stop this, or that it would not annoy me.

It seems that she kind of agreed with my mom that the upcoming time she will stay here and eat here without paying anything. Without paying is fine, but just ……….blegh. It’s fine, and it’s not. But maybe it’s me.

My (last living) grandma, who lives close, isn’t so well lately. The mixed feelings I have make it difficult. things that happened in the past, and that she is so dependent in certain ways. If my mom wouldn’t be here, we wouldn’t be in touch ( in my moms culture family is very important). My dad would never have seen his parents again. They didn’t treat my mom and dad so well in the past, and they did things that are not so cool. Now my mom is the one who arranges everything that is needed, and she seems very dependent on my mom, who already has enough to do, and, lost her own mom earlier this year. I do things or try to do things too for her, because I don’t want my mom to do everything. My grandma’s own daughter ( my aunt – i never see) doesn’t. My dad, doesnt. I can’t explain it any better right now, but I’m sick of the whole situation. The conflicts I have with myself – what is right, if things aren’t right.

It isn’t right, but not doing anything doesn’t feel right neither.

It makes me sad. It never changes. It never does, and I can’t do or say anything about it.

It’s a trap, where you can’t get out. Where I can’t get out. I don’t know what are the right things to do. I am doubting myself. Am I wrong? Am I having wrong views of the world, of how things should be? I have no right to speak, because I still live at home, I can’t be completely indepentent, I guess. I feel bad about myself too, that I’m mixed up in these conflicts, and I can’t decide and make up my mind.

I’m fine, and I’m not.

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