This morning I was lying in bed. Last night I slept late, because I was reading a book and I couldn’t stop. During the night I woke up a couple of times. This morning I woke up and stayed in bed, letting thoughts fly around in my head.
It’s nice in bed somehow. But at the same time it’s dangerous, because I sense depression lurking around the corner. Lately my life has been stabilized in some ways, yet I feel something that ‘doesn’t make it right’.
After a long time of unemployment and sitting depressed at home, I’ve been lucky to find a job and get hired begin this year. I’m working there for 8 months now (though things are still unsure: my contract ends in 2 weeks and officially I have no guarantuee I continue after that). It’s always 3 or 4 month contracts, and after a maximum of 3 years, I have to leave (because there is no way to get a steady contract – it just doesn’t happen, not to anyone.). So I don’t want to make myself any illusions. I know I have to work towards something else to make another step.(but, which one?) But I don’t make the step myself. I kind of let others decide things for me. That’s one of my problems, I guess.
This morning I realized that because of something else. Of course I knew, but something inside me triggered and things became clear. Earlier this year I went to a survival trip abroad. Someone else I picked up along the way, forgot her hiking shoes in my car. I still have them. I tried several times to see if there was a way to get them back, but she isn’t someone who responds clearly. Now she is around, and needs them soon.
As I said, this person is not very clear in contacts, when you write to ask when or where, she doesn’t answer anymore, and if she does, everything is very last minute. I’ve wrote to check to see if I can hand them over today, or she can pick them up somehow , but I notice I adapt myself , like most of the times. I let others decide direction. Decide how my day looks like. Decide when or how I will act. This time, I will not do that – though it almost happened. Now the moment of me being able to drop them off is over, so now she will have to come get them herself. I will not constantly ask anymore; if she wants them, she has to make sure to be in touch and respond and figure a way out to get them herself.
But still- that I always first try to plan my things around others –
Something about that isn’t right. It happens too much.
But that’s because I can’t really decide myself, because nothing matters that much somehow to make a clear decision myself. I don’t have a very clear goal, purpose, thing I want to. That’s the problem.
I need (want) to do something about that, but I have no idea where to start and what to do.