numb and meaningless

This week is dissapointing. At work things escalated a bit – everything was too much, I could not handle it anymore, and my head said error.

There was just too much work, and too less time and too less space. I got an extra task here, an extra task there, absent colleagues’ work appeared in my to do box, and so on. It just added and added, and the planners didn’t give me time to do it. I asked several times for some time, but all I got was no – it’s too busy. So I had my own work, work of a few othes, an emergency task in between, and some unexpected visits but no extra time. I couldn’t find time to update myself with the newest information, and so on and on.

Monday things became too much – it was just the first working day of this week, but it went wrong. I started with work from last week, but too much things met. I lost things for a while and couldn’t manage to decide what to do first or what to do and what not; my head said error. Too much work, too less time. I felt bad. That I couldn’t manage to get out of this myself; I know this is a trap. My head spinned and spinned, I saw the work but I was blocked.

I asked help. I went to someone who I don’t go so often, but there was not anyone else to go to and ask for help. But this person reacted cool and much nicer than I expected.

One of the coaches came by, my coach wasn’t present, and we had a talk about all of this. I’m not sure if it made me feel better, but at least he talked to the planners that they can not always say no to me because there is ‘no time’. If I get extra work, they have to give me some time too. Now I just have to keep asking and they have to give me some time. I’m not sure what to think about it, or why it would make a big difference, but I guess I will try.

Some other tasks I kind of dropped completely. I asked at least 10 times to get some time, they didn’t give it to me and they do not plan me anymore for that work, so I put everything in the box for others to pick up – I could not manage to talk to anyone to do that anymore. Fuck it, you dont give me the possibility, I put it back.

I didn’t feel better. I still do not feel better. I go to work, but I don’t feel like I’m doing good work. I do the minimum; I do not care or make work of the work I see. I just do what I’m planned for – I feel like a robot. This is not human. I’m also sad, somehow.

Since the beginning of the week, I can’t get out of bed anymore in the mornings. I sleep bad. I wake up and feel terrible. I go to work, feeling awful, and come back, and do nothing but sit.

Work is not so nice anymore now. I am not so nice anymore now.

And everything feels empty, numb and meaningless again.

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