Sadness and sunshine

Today. Begins. With storm. After a while, the sun breaks through. Work went okay I guess, nothing special, just a lot of system failures. That sometimes, makes work almost impossible. I was not broken after work; that’s good. I could not manage to go to Jiu Jitsu. I don’t know why; it’s this overwhelming apathy that has a grip on me. There is no balance between work and the rest of my life. Maybe I will subscribe from Jiu Jitsu; I still pay, but I went two times in the past three months. Mostly because I do not manage to go after work. Usually I’m home too late; sometimes I’m not too tired, but it ends too late. Then I get in trouble the next day at work. So I skip. (And skip. and skip). Here I am. It’s sunny and beautiful weather outside  for a change, but inside of me is a dark rain cloud. Questions pouring out like heavy rain. Stop. Is this what I want? Is this how I want life to be? Is this how my future should be? I feel trapped. Because there does not seem to be much choice. Not much choice without guilt. I feel trapped in the system. Trapped in what the system wants me to do. This week I had my interview. No later than monday , I will know if I can stay or not. Temporary extentions, by 3 months. No steady contracts; steady contracts seem a rare species from the past in history books. They ask commitment, but don’t give you anything. Is this right? Pressure. So much pressure, for what? For a basic, miserable existence? I am cold again. Everything is numb. I go to work, I came home, and I feel nothing. No passion, no future, no past. I’m an empty void, an empty shell again. I know I’m the only one who can change it, or fight it. But what if you’re the only little oxygenbubble in outer space? How do you fight that?

I guess you don’t find: you just keep floating, for the rest of your life.

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