Sigarettes and the sparrow

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There’s sigarettes, a sparrow and me, and I don’t even smoke. It’s a rainy day and I stand on this busy busstation. Actually I don’t want to leave, but somehow “I have to”.

While the rain is pouring down, I drop my bag at a bench. The bench is not wet, but I refuse to sit down. Failure, is spinning in my head, failure. Everyone seems to be able to work something out, be good in something, and here I am – giant failure of the world.

I can’t do my job, I’m too slow, it’s too messy in my head. I’m good in researching, I know, but I can’t put limits. Somehow things need to be black and white to understand, but I know it’s impossible and I always find the exceptions. And I can’t deal with them.

It’s frustrating.

On social media, my eyes pick up signs. Of people who do better than me, of people who seem to fit better , for people who do meaningful things. Here I am, I think, trying to make things work, but failing all the time.

For the first time since my job started, I had a terrible day. Nothing worked out. I felt confused. I wasn’t able to function like I should. I felt that I should give up on the job: I can’t do it, it’s too complicated for me, was all I thought for a while.

I didn’t quit. I just drove home, and I guess I will start again tomorrow.

A brand new day. A brand new day for a nobody like me. Emptiness. Meaningless.
What’s the point?

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2 thoughts on “Sigarettes and the sparrow

  1. First off, good on you for not quitting, because that can be a really tempting ‘option’, and it takes strength to hold your ground.

    I really hope that today will be an odd exception to the rule – a blip – and that from tomorrow onwards things improve. Maybe there are people at work who can help or support you. Maybe today was just an off-day, and everything will ‘click’ again tomorrow. Maybe you’re setting your standards too high. Only you can really know. I think this is still early days for you in this job, and it’s great that you’re pushing through this.

    You ask what’s the point. You know I’ve asked the same. I think for now, the point of going through a brand new day is that it might be different.

    P.S. – That bird is beautiful. I’m so glad you took this picture.

    • Thanks – thanks for reminding me of this. Sometimes we need others to tell us what we tell them I guess. I know my standards are too high – at least that’s what a lot of people tell me. Not sure how to fix that, it’s not so easy.

      I’ll just continue working this job untill it ends, because I need the money and it distracts me and gives me space and time, somehow. I will stay as long as I can, the work environment is still nice and the people are too. I know it will end, I’m just not sure when. But I guess untill that time the best I can do is stay and work the best I can.

      It’s confusing when there are not really goals in the future, or when you don’t know what to do or what the point is of everything.

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