Difficult things and questions

A few days ago I reblogged a post about family/ issues/ abroad. Of course things are not only this way, like everything, everything has more perspectives and different sides. I can’t say I like or dislike my family, I just can’t put it into words. Things can be sad in one way, and sad in the other. Somethings go like they go and they go unplanned.  Answers are really hard to define.

How much do you love family you don’t really know? How do you know someone? Sometimes people you think you know do something you never expect from them. Sometimes people hide big secrets, while you know them your whole life. How far do you go for someone you love? What to you do when someone is sick but abroad? Do you go there everytime? You never know when the last time is you see anyone. You (almost) never know when someone is going to die. You (almost) never know when the last time is you see someone. It’s so complicated.

My grandma is in hospital for the second week now. She goes there every month to gather some strenghts with medication and vitamin injections for her illnesses. Usually, after a week, she can go home. But now, she can’t. Because for a week now she has fever. The doctors don’t know where it’s coming from. And she is not so strong physically. She’s really thin and her illnesses take a lot of energy.  Last night her roommate in the hospital died. She had fever too. It’s a bit worrying. My mom doesn’t feel good. She says something doesnt feel right this time.

I asked her if she wanted to go there; this week I would be able to drive there without any problems. She said not; because sometimes you can’t say goodbye to someone, she told me, you never know when someone is going to die. I guess especially not in the case of my grandma, because she is sick for so long and they have been worried so many times for years now. It’s complicated.

And this, brings so much questions for me.

What if, you know, what if something happens now? Or next week?

What am I supposed to do? Say to my new job, sorry guys, I can’t come ?

The risk is large if I do/say this, that I will not have the job anymore. Anyway I  will miss the required training and I will not be able to start the job anymore.

This could have consequenses for my future, but is it worth of the other side?

The other risk is, that maybe something will happen to my grandma and I will never see her again. But I dont know.

Man, these kind of decisions suck. Because in fact they are simple and complicated at the same time; if it would be my mom, I would not hestitate and go there I think. Why do I feel different towards my grandma? Because I know her less? I feel bad about myself I feel and talk like this about a human being. Something doesn’t feel right. Usually, it would be simple; the human goes first, the job? never mind. But why does it feel that my future is on a balance point to and a wrong decision could make my own future impossible?

Sorry, I hope I will not get misunderstood. I feel terrible writing like this, writing about this, I almost feel like a monster thinking about it like this.

I just try to make sense of it, but this seems impossible.

 

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