noun – series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep // state of mind in which someone is or seems to be unaware of their immediate surroundings // cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.
” But don’t you have dreams anymore?”
Silence. Thoughts. Feeling a bit embarrassed. More thoughts. Silence. And a little storm in my head. Such a simple question, can be so difficult to answer.
Someone asked me this question a while ago, and sometimes it still kind of haunts me. Dreams. Do I have dreams? What are they? When is something exactly a dream? Did I ever have dreams? I-do-not-exactly-know.
Dreams, goals, future, they are all words that are a bit difficult for me somehow.
Maybe depression captured my dreams away. Maybe the ‘rough’ circumstances. Do dreams come back? Do you have to chase them? How can you find them when you can’t feel or see them?
Or is it that I don’t dare to see them, because if I can never realize anything it will hurt less? Who shall say.
I wondered if I ever had dreams. Was there something I really wished for? I am not sure. I guess for a long time, I kind of dreamt of my own house, or place to live. How nice that looked to me, to have a place where you can close the door and shut off from the outside world, where you decide the rules. Without any form of interfering from anyone or anything – just IF you choose for it.
That looked really nice for me, but this lasted short; circumstances changed something in me, and I don’t think it’s possible for me to have a place of my own now or in the nearby future. It’s too late. And I need it now, but I can’t. Just out of the question.
Maybe once I dreamed about a job, that was nice and that I would be happy with, that would allow me to have my own place to live, drive a car and go to places, go on holidays. Buy myself nice and proper food. Sometimes go to the cinema or a concert or a museum, buy myself a book. It doesn’t seem so far away for most of the people perhaps, but for me, it is too far away. So far that I don’t even think about it anymore, well rarely. I just can’t , because maybe it hurts too much that this is too far away (while I feel like I need it).
These things made me start thinking. What do I really need in life? What do I really need to feel happy? What is really important to me?
I figured out that it’s not having much stuff. I have too much stuff that I never use, so I started downsizing that. But if I downsize to my basic needs, I don’t seem to be happy neither. To a certain level, I seem to ‘need’ things, to be happy. For example, I don’t need a longboard to be able to live, but it does make me more happy somehow.
I don’t dare too look in the future too much anymore. it’s too far away, I can’t touch it, I can’t work towards it, just because the roads have to many bumps and you can not be sure of anything. Nothing is sure. Nothing is forever. You have to be always on guard. So HOW can you keep believing in your dreams, in your goals? Are they so strong you never give up on them? Are they so strong you never lose energy?
Dreams and goals seem so important, but on the other hand, they are only making things more difficult. Or what if you don’t really feel them? How do you decide the future? How do you work on the future?
Questions. So much questions.