Sometimes, I have days, nothing works out somehow and things make me feel extreme sad. I guess today, is a day like that.Somehow I feel very, very sad. So sad that my whole body doesn’t have energy to stand up straight, no energy to bother or to care.
I can’t say the day started wrong or anything, it wasn’t that bad. I slept okay, I still do not feel physically supergreat, but it didn’t get worse. I got up, showered, had breakfast, and went to the doc to pick up a reference for new compression stockings for my ‘sick leg’. I wanted to call to make an appointment at the place to get them, but the line was occupied everytime I tried and now they are closed so I didn’t succeed to do that.
Later that I planned, I started my ‘shopping round’ ; I had to do some grocery shopping, buy some random things (cable to fix a computer, things from different shops, and I wanted to look for different catfood since there seems to be a lot of junk in the random stuff you can get at common places, just like food you buy, it’s mostly added crap and it’s not too healthy it seems.) But the catfood was so expensive I couldn’t buy it – The cable for the computer I could not buy at the cheaper shop since they didn’t have any, and I ended up buying an ‘expensive’ cable at a computer store. This, made me feel bad. The shops didn’t have what I wanted, somehow all vegetables were sold out and what they had didn’t look good, it was crowded, and everything was expensive somehow and I started to feel so sad.
Sad, that the most of the foodproducts you can buy, is not so healthy and the people who want to produce them, add much crap to make as much as profit so they can have a lot of money, and you get bad food what is not good for your body.
Sad, becaues nothing worked out and things made me feel so uncomfortable.
Sad, because monday I have ‘the final” interview for a job, and I thought since it has been a while, it might be good to get a haircut.at the hairdresser, I did get a haircut, but it is not so cheap neither, and the hairdresser started asking me questions like if I had a job and if I was on benefits and these things, I probably gave weird answers (no, no job, and no, no benefits, and try to explain this – ugh) and it made me feel more sad.
At a certain point, I decided to stop. I felt so sad, I wanted to sit in the car on the parking lot and cry. But I’m so empty, that there are no tears.
Zombie. I am a zombie.
I drove home. Without buying bread. Without vegetables. Without proper food. Without some other things. With less money, I guess I spend quite a lot (it feels like a lot, for working people with a common salary this is normal or nothing I guess).
And now I feel supersad. Sad, because I spent all this money and nothings comes in.
Sad, because I’m such a loser that I can’t pick up a life and can’t hold on to the fight of making something of life.
Sad, that all these things make me sad and I can’t fight it.
I want to crawl away from the world and not be anymore.
I am invisible. Im someone in trouble and its not valid to the world. I have to make my own way and survive myself. I can’t, Im out of power.
Sometimes, I do not want to be.
I dont want to be here.
I dont want to be part of this world.
I just dont want to feel like this anymore.
I dont want this situation like this anymore.
And I feel like no one helps me, and that I have to deal and fight with everything alone. I guess that’s not true, but its how it feels today.