Crossing lines – to be someone you’re not

crossinglines

Last week, I didn’t do any job applications. Simply because there wasn’t anything that ‘suited’ (I am not a technical schooled person, I don’t have 5 or 10 years experience, I didn’t have the asked for diplomas and certificates, etc). I only went to a fair for working and living abroad, and spoke shortly with two people, but nothing concrete. And I came back sick, and ended up spending a few days in bed mostly sleeping.

I managed so far to go on walks three times a week, this week my score is still on one, but I plan to go this afternoon for a walk too. I’m still working on clearing out my stuff, I selected some books from University which are probably of no use anymore, so I will try to sell them. I threw away a lot of paperwork (information – it’s ‘hard’ to throw information away somehow).

I still need to do some things, like change my mobile phone plan which actually expired a couple of years ago, but I never changed it because the new plans where not interesting at all. But now, it can become cheaper I think, but it’s somehow a hell to sort out. As well, I have to get a reference thing from the doctor to be able to get a new compression stocking for my leg. (Btw, which I still end up paying myself, thanks to the own risk policy from the health insurance – it’s really awesome, I pay for everything myself in the end, so why having insurance? Because it’s obligatory, stupid system!). This is what pisses me off sometimes too. For example, if I would smoke and quit smoking, I would have a lot of reimbursements for treatments and such, and for what I have now, something I didn’t choose to have, and I can’t control at all I end up paying everything myself because everything is out of the insurance (it’s a not too common thing, maybe that’s why.)

I guess I sound a lot pissed of and angry ‘at the world’ lately. I guess I am a bit, because somehow a lot of things are not fair or equal in my eyes. Sometimes it bothers me I guess.

But yeah, what can I do? Moaning about it doesn’t help. So I guess I just have to move on and take it for what it is. And I’m trying, I just don’t always succeed.  By now, I heard when I have the final interview for the (temporary) job I applied for a couple of weeks ago. It’s next week. I’m a bit anxious I guess – what should I wear? Can I find the place? Would I say the right things? Would I make a good impression? Am I capable of doing this?

Of course, I will have to pretend. That I’m good for this job, that I’m awesome, that I can do this, piece of cake! (But that, is the contrast of the real me). I’m way more careful. Maybe I can, if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you’re almost never sure. And so far, with this job, I guess I sounded pretty confident. I crossed a line. A line that is not me. It feels uncomfortable. I just want to do work because I’m good in it and I like it, and not because I pretend like someone I’m not.

conflicting feelings.

Is that the point? To be someone you’re not?

 

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3 thoughts on “Crossing lines – to be someone you’re not

  1. I get what you mean with the conflict; that’s a REALLY hard debate to settle. You might (unknowingly) be perfectly suited to the job, but play it safe (and honest) in the interview, and end up still unemployed. Or you might be the opposite of what the job needs, but you offer more than you can deliver in the interview, and have to later explain low performance!

    You’re erring on the side of caution because that’s safe, and completely honest. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just bear in mind that you can’t really know whether you’re good in this job and like it until you get started, and if you do yourself out of a job by being too cautious at the interview, you’ll never know. If you sell yourself more at the interview and get the job, you’ll get a contract with a clause especially for if you later decide to leave.

    Just a little anecdote: my job was originally offered to someone else, who was very confident in their interview and said they loved this field of work, keen to get more involved, etc etc. Then on his first day, he got his first look at the IT systems he’d be working with, decided it wasn’t for him, and quit. He didn’t lose anything in doing this, and the employers didn’t hate him. You will have this option (or something similar) too.

    I have no idea if any of that is any help, but if you want to bounce ideas etc I’m here

    • You’re right. You only find out when you really try and such. And I am not there yet – I will still have to pass one more interview. I don’t know why these things are or seem so difficult – or why they cause these huge conflicts. I am just tired of trying maybe, trying to fit somewhere. I have adjusted so much in my life, it would be so nice when you have a place where you can just be yourself. I don’t know, my head isn’t working so logical at the moment. I will do my best to get this job, because I so badly need it. My bank account is going towards zero if I’m not very careful and I have no idea what will happen if it really happens. I am desperate for income, and that makes the pressure big, I guess. And pressure , huge pressure, means me disfunctioning, I guess. I’m sorry, my reply doesn’t make much sense I guess.

      • On the contrary, I think your reply makes a lot of sense. You are under immense pressure, and I wish I could do something, even give you a hug. I’ll be thinking of you when your interview comes.

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