Short circuit

STUCK.

That’s the main word of today.

I’m stuck. I’m trapped. Can’t get out. The situation got more and more miserable if I think rationally. It takes too long. No peace, no space. No future.

Every day, I’m one day more jobless. One day more a failure.

The pressure to go away gets bigger and bigger. I need to get out of here, I need to get out of this house. How? With no income. How, with no future plans ahead? How, when you’re lost, can’t make it on your own, HOW, for sake?
But pressure means stress means weird things happening to me. I sense it in physical things too.

I miss abroad. I miss my free space. I miss the peace in my mind.

I miss my love. I miss feeling good. I miss having dreams.
I miss having a goal, something to fight for. What’s there to fight for?

(It seems there’s a lot,but I’m out of energy, I can’t do this alone. I can’t pick life up. I can’t. I’m too exhausted. I just can’t. A rechargable battery doesn’t last forever.).

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Short circuit

  1. I absolutely love the last line of your post. It hits you right in the face.

    I could relate to everything you said above. That feeling of being useless and dependent and not being able to do anything, no matter how hard you try….it’s pretty difficult to live through it.
    You see people around you apply for a job one time, and get hired in one of the good companies out there. Then you ask yourself, am I doing something wrong, or it just my destiny? Why does this happen to me?

    One thing I’ve learned in a short span of years, is that nothing happens when it isn’t supposed to happen. When people say there is a right time for everything, they mean it. You can’t force things to happen. I would try comforting you, but I know from experience, it would make no real difference.

    There are time such as these, when you have no one but yourself. You seem like a strong person, who gets up every time you’re kicked down. I hope you get what you want,

    Hang in there.

    • Thanks, I appreciate your reply.

      The whole thing just makes me doubt so much more about myself: am I good enough ? (No, it doesn’t seem so). What do I do wrong? Why do others get a job or get benefits, but I won’t get any of them? Am I such a wrong and bad person I don’t deserve these things? And so on. As well, if you don’t manage to ‘find your way’ , there must be something wrong with you, right? Who wants to hire someone who has been unemployed for a long time?

      Often people say things too like “your time will come” , or “at least you don’t have a family to take care of”. How long do you wait for “your time”? And why the hell is is worse to lose a job or don’t have one when you have a family? Because I’m alone it’s not so bad I don’t have a job and I can’t get a place to live of my own and can’t do random things like holidays and going out to the cinema and things like that? Just because I’m alone it is not so bad? Sometimes that really makes me so angry when people say that. I know they probably don’t mean it in a bad way, but still.

      It just miserable when you’re stuck for years and there’s no light blinking somewhere ahead of you and you’re directionless. And you’re trying to get out and all that happens is that things seem to work against you. The thing is, things work the way here that if someome/government needs something (money) from you, they know where to find you in 5 minutes. But if you can’t find your way, and get lost, there is no one to help you, what they do is make your life as hard as possible. That really sucks. As if they put more blame on you, and thats not cool.

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