Today I guess, is an off day. I don’t know exactly why, but I don’t feel so good. Physical not so well neither – I feel weak somehow. I had to do a few small things outside of the house today (and it was freaking cold outside). Somehow the house where I am is one big fridge too – it’s never really warm here. With the heating system on, the temperature in my room is 15 degrees Celcius aka 59 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s not so pleasant somehow, but I know I should be lucky because it could be much worse.
Sometimes I’m sitting here with my hat on, and I have fingerless gloves I often wear because my hands often get (very) cold and then typing or doing something is not comfortable at all – it’s pretty uncomfortable sometimes because doing things is not easy.
I feel worried and sad and have such mixed feelings. I just stared at the computerscreen for a while, not sure what to do. I went to bed for a while, and I slept for some while. I read a bit. I saw some photographs of someone’s travel, and I feel sad I’m not travelling, because even if things are far from perfect and while travelling you can feel pretty lost too, it seems to be comforting or nice in some ways. I feel sad because I miss the person I love, but I don’t really feel things anymore – I’m kind of numb. I know I love her, and I know I would feel better when we would be together, but right now, I don’t feel it. I just know, but I do not feel. I don’t like this too much.
As well, I think my parents kind of want me to leave in the future. A few times they said some things to me, maybe they were hints, like that I should get my own place. Well, I guess that should be clear right? If I only knew where to go and how to act. It’s all so risky, with falling completely down, and who will pick me up or help me when it happens? This is frightening to me.
This weekend, I was planning to go to an expo for emigration, some kind of thing where lots of info should be, a lot of countries (its an international expo) and maybe future employers? I bought a ticket a while ago (cheaper than buying it there) and I bought a special, cheaper card for the public transport (it’s expensive, this card saves me more than half, which is a lot). And now I’m frightened somehow, to go there. It’s a long trip, it will take me 3,5 hours to get there (car would be not even 2 hours, but is more expensive, and with the current weather and how I feel (=not so great) that isn’t the greatest idea now I guess). So it would take at least a 7 hours travel there and back. I expect the trains to be crowded, it might be crowded there, I’m not such a good networker, but yeah. I don’t know exactly what’s going on. I just feel very uncomfortable, and rather hide under my sheets and stay in bed.
Just an offday.It’s just an offday.