Blaming yourself

Sometimes, things get me down. Lately I’ve been really trying to get my life back on track, but there are these moments that nothing seems to work out and nothing seems to matter. 2015, that would be finally a better year for me, after all those years of trouble, of misery, of depression, of despair, of no job, of not being able to lead an independent life. To make things work, to earn your own money, to pay for everything you need yourself.

But reality is different. I’m not independent. Face the facts, sharktoothsweater; without your parents, you would live on the streets. I can’t take care of myself in that way: all I do is just eating my savings, trying to spend as less as possible, but for what?

I’ve been trying (but probably not hard enough) to make things work. I went abroad, but it failed. Partly because of me. Because I can not stay motivated in worlds where no one seem to care about you, or care about anything that involves more work.

I’ve been applying pretty seriously the last few weeks, but without results still. 98% doesn’t even respond at all. I had one serious reply, and I’m waiting for the next step. But I realize very well, that that isn’t much; it’s no guarantuee at all. And it’s temporary, and it will be challenging. But I can’t sit back relaxed like yeah, I will have a job soon. Things are not like that.

I can’t see myself getting a ‘life’ anymore sometimes. I can not think of what kind of job would suit me. My diplomas and work experiences are neglectable, and they are saying nothing much.

What life would suit me? What job would suit me? How would I get there?

I just don’t see it. I can’t see it.

I can’t even see how I would get benefits. It’s destroying me slowly I guess. There’s one word: blame.

I’m the cause. That;’s how many will see it.

Maybe that’s how I see it too.

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One thought on “Blaming yourself

  1. I’m not really sure what to say, but I feel I need to say something after reading this…From your previous posts, stretching back over time, it’s pretty clear that you HAVE been trying hard. I know it hasn’t worked out, but you don’t have to automatically take that as a reflection on you.

    Maybe also bear in mind if you can that just because you can’t see how things will work out, doesn’t mean it won’t happen. My job came completely out of the blue, something I couldn’t have predicted, even with all the applications I’d been doing (that yielded nothing at all). I’m discovering skills I didn’t know I had, and regaining confidence that had slowly been draining out of me. This can happen for you too – don’t let darkness hide that from you.

    Hang in there

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