Hi hope, bye hope?

So, today was supposed to be a better day than yesterday – or at least, I planned to make it a better day. I’ve set my alarm on 8.30 (but I snoozed and got up at 9.00), went to eat some breakfast and drank a cup of tea, scanned a newspaper, and went to shower and washed my hair (didn’t wash my hair for a week, yikes, I know).

Last week I made a new “plan” and I want to try to stick with it. I try to go on a walk at least two times a week (three days a week I’m home alone part of the day, which gives me the space and peace of mind to do things in MY way). Yesterday failed, so it was important I would go today.

First I went to the postoffice and did the laundry and made some lunch (because one of my parents comes home for lunch). After lunch I finally had a few hours somehow for myself, so I went out for a walk. I wanted to go to the little forest first, but the path was crowded and I somehow didn’t feel like bumping in people, so I walked somewhere else. It was ‘just a ” 30 minutes walk, but it was a walk, right?

So, I came home and saw a vacancy. This is actually another part of “the plan” – find a job and save money. With the person I love, we made some kind of plan that contained for me: find a job , apply at least 3 times a week (last week, I didn’t make it though 😦 ). When I don’t find a job before 1st of March, I will go abroad. Or on a travel to Georgia, Azerbaijan, Armenia OR I will go to France and be nearby her.

Okay, so I saw a vacancy. One I seemed to fit the requirements, and one that seemed cool. Okay, let’s do this and apply! I felt some hope sparkle in me. I started writing, even with still these 10000 attacks of my own brain: you can’t do this, others are much better than you are, and blablablablabla. But I kept going. And then , this happened: after just such a short time! This job, was online recently (one possibility; apply online- no other options for this job) and after such a short time, while I was still working on my letter, this message appeared in my screen: Due to a lot of applications, we closed this vacancy.

WHAT? NOW ALREADY?
Seriously, how quickly do people write a letter? In an hour? No way! No way I can write a good letter in an hour, this requires time!

And there I sat. Dissapointed. these attacks in my head – you see, you’re not fast enough, no one wants a slow person like you, am I doomed, and so much more, the ‘blablablablabla’.

Great. This was supposed to be no. 1 of this week.

Supposed.

To be.

 

220120155080

Ice-fossil. I came across this on my walk. An Ice-fossil, is how I called it. Am I an ice-fossil? something that once have been useful, but now lost it’s glory and function?

 

 

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15 thoughts on “Hi hope, bye hope?

  1. Oooooh NO! That really sucks; I can imagine how frustrating that must have been. Could you tell the attacks to take a hike on this one? It was beyond your control. Seriously, it was, so it has zero reflection on you, except that you were unlucky this time.

    I’m not sure if you’ll agree with me, but I’m also wondering if ‘the plan’ is maybe a bit too…prescriptive? The contents are great, but I’m worried you’ll beat yourself up about not meeting targets. Given all the pressures you’re under at the moment, would a slightly gentler approach be better for you?

    But by all means tell I’m wrong, I just hope it’ll make you think a little about what you need.

    • you’re right I guess, but you know, there’s just always something. Applying is already so difficult, and then when I finally dare to and act things still don’t work, it’s frustrating.

      I know “the plan” is prescriptive, but I don’t know much else too do. If I don’t do anything, I’m afraid I will end up like I was doing before; slowly spending my savings and I will be unhappy and trapped for maybe a few more years. And something just has to change, things can’t go on like this. I wish I knew an easier way to act or do, but I just don’t see it (feel free to share if you see anything or correct me if I’m wrong somewhere – I do appreciate that).
      Thanks for replying – its much appreciated ❤

      • I see what you mean, and I don’t see a much better alternative. All I’d suggest is that if you don’t hit one of these targets, you ask yourself if you really need to be giving yourself grief over it; already I think you’ve found that instead you can direct that frustration into fuelling next week’s efforts.

  2. I admire your efforts, I don’t think what happened was your fault at all. I get how you feel about it all, working yourself up to apply, only to then have it happen that way……it would make anyone feel let down. Have you ever thought about going back to school….again? Maybe study near the one you love and eventually get out and try everything again? Just know that it is so difficult to find work, even with a education, it is still hard. I think it is great that you are trying to adhere to a schedule and getting out to go on walks is awesome too. You have taken some really positive steps, be proud of that!

    • Thanks. I try to keep up with exercise- it’s so helping to keep the ‘relationship’ with the brain a bit liveable, and it’s essential for a good health I think.

      I know its hard to find work – though everyone around me works and I’m the only one who is not working for so long (and the only one who doesn’t have benefits or help in any way). People keep saying, keep applying, keep searching, your time will come, but what if it doesn’t?

      Unfortunately, another study is out of the question. I lack the financial resources for that. Especially in this country, a second study is VERY expensive. For a lot of other things, I’m “too old” – I won’t get a loan anymore because of my age. And I’m almost out of resources myself, everything I have left I use to survive-to pay the required health insurance, to pay for food, stuff like that.

      But even if I could study – I’m afraid it wouldn’t lead to anything. Maybe it’s not about the skills, but about the personality. I just want to work, you know, and not fight this supercompetetive applications and competitions with other applicants – I just can’t handle this kind of pressure and somehow I do really bad at tests they sometimes take. Even if I would have a different degree in something else, I could be in this same position.

      • Isn’t Germany part of the EU? And I believe that you can study there for free. But I do understand what you are saying. I have and do feel like how you feel. It’s like everyone around is working, living life and doing things while you’re stuck just trying to function. So it feels for me. I just thought of your degree and had the idea that maybe you could add to that. But I know you are very practical in thought too. But you do have to remember that it’s very hard to see anything positive for yourself and depression really limits your thinking and seeing the whole picture. I say all the what ifs like you but I’m aware that I’m always more critical about things. Not that you don’t realize this on your own but it’s nice to be reminded I think. I will always have and say those what ifs but eventually you will see different, I believe we both will. So many times I’ve thought I was in the very worst situation only to look back and see it actually wasn’t the worst. I hope I’m not annoying you too cause I know it can be more than irritating to hear these things. I definitely hate hearing things like you talked about, the whole “keep applying” comments and such. I’ve been there before many times and it almost made things feel worse than better. I’m not trying to do that at all. I just want you to know that you are awesome and that I and others around can see it even if you can’t or don’t feel that way. I know you can’t predict what the future holds but if you can just keep making efforts and positive steps like you have been I really think the odds will be in your favor.

        And walking is great for you, I agree with all points made. I think you are doing some great things to help you and if you can find something to keep yourself from getting discouraged then you will be in a better state and it will pay off in the end.

      • I’m not in Germany (though it’s not far), but I don’t think studying there is free actually, I should check, maybe I’m wrong.

        You know, more and more I hope the Unconditional Basic Income (do you know it?) will come soon. I really believe in the positive approach of things instead of punishment and restrictions, and this could be a saviour for so much people – it gives space. If it would only be here right now, I would have so less worries and problems I think. And so many others. Unfortunately it’s not reality, so it’s fighting to find a way to survive somehow. Sometimes I don’t understand why it seems so hard for me and why I can’t manage.

        Do you think I sound negative and depressed? I have the idea that I’m not so depressed at the moment actually, and that it’s not so bad.

        Thanks for your feedback/reply, it’s much appreciated 🙂

      • You’re in England I thought?! I’m a Brit more than an American lol. Well, it’s a blend of French and British for me and my family. I try to follow news and politics there though and if I had the choice I’d rather be there than here I think. But look into Germany because it is in effect or will be soon! I’m 99.9% on this too! And yes, I am familiar a little with what you talked about. I more than likely will google it to better understand the bill/law you talked of. Then I can actually reference it better to offer more of an opinion. I already have been thinking of the upcoming elections for the Brits. I don’t quite know which party best suits me but I’m definitely very liberal.

        And sorry if I threw you off in talking of depression, etc. You sound much more positive and not like a depressed person! I just feel like you always (anyone, not just you!) have to sort of be weary of it, it seems to always be lurking even when doing well. I hope that makes sense? And you can be hard on yourself more so than deserved, I think everyone is like that when it’s about yourself. What do they say? You are always your worst critic? Something like that?!

      • Well kitty, I hope you can look into school just incase it were to interest you. I think your degree is pretty kick ass on its own but I’m sure that school could only benefit and not hurt- that goes for anyone. I’m about to read up on the income thing you mentioned cause though I’d heard about it I don’t know much about it and that’s no good! I’d like to be able to school myself much better on all things there but I’ve not been so good about it lately. Probably because I’m also obsessed with politics here and it’s where I live right now. But I’m going to read up on things and then message you. Maybe you can offer up your take on your elections and who you like, etc? I don’t get to really talk much about things there but with my bf from time to time. It’d be lovely to actually talk with someone there! Anyway I’m sure it’s going on 9pm there and so I will message you back tomorrow. I’m up late though most times so anytime you want to chat I probably could lol. It’s just about 3pm where I am in the US……why I’m so focused on time is a bit silly so sorry bout that lol. Anyway! It’s been nice chatting with you, friend!

      • Sorry. Just had this thought, “What if you are mistaken about where sharktoothsweater lives and you aren’t a Brit?!”. So, if I’ve gotten confused I just want to tell you that I’m sorry and to correct me, please! I had in mind you were in England but now I’m worried that I might be confused and so yeah, I’m feeling quite stupid now!

      • Wow lots of replies 😉 I almost don’t know where to start. No need to be sorry in the first place, so don’t worry. I’m in the CET Timezone / GMT+1 , so 1 hour ahead from the UK 😉 I’m not from the UK,and English is not a native language for me ( I think you probably can notice on my English?). *

        Don’t worry about your replies – I was just wondering if I sounded very depressed, sometimes we see ourselves different and sometimes we need reflection 😉

        I just checked two German Universities and there are fees for studying in Germany. I didn’t find any age-limit things yet so I’m not sure how it is there. As well I would need a place to live and such, really, for studying I need money I don’t have right now. And I have to keep in mind: i have a debt (which is not just a few hundred bucks) to pay back for the loan I made to finish my study! And now I can’t pay it back because I don’t have income so would another study be wise to do now? As well, I wouldn’t even be sure what to study – where would it lead me to? To the same nothingness I’m in now? I’d rather learn a craft or something very practical, because at least that seems to have more possibilities to earn some money/get a job. But there’s not really something I’m good at- and learning these things is not just a few hundred bucks either – sigh-endless spirals..

      • I am so sorry and such an idiot! I have confused you with someone else but only on your location and such. Still! I can’t believe I have done this twice to you and the other blogger lol. You guys believe it or not have similar names and so I think that’s why. (They have sweater in their name as well..)

        I’m feeling a bit upset about the school subject. The news and different Internet sources have made it seem like there is very little cost to the student. My boyfriend is a history major and we have discussed moving there to continue his education because of the difference between school here and there. School is insanely expensive here. And the sad truth is that even after school, there is no guarantee of finding work. You used to be able to get a degree and it would be a guarantee of some sort of employment, whether it was in the field you wanted or something else. Now it’s just not that way. There are college graduates working at McDonalds. Its absolutely ridiculous.

        By the end of 2015, or sooner even, the 1% will own half or more of the wealth in the US. Income equality is something that just doesn’t exist anymore, if ever. The rich are getting richer and the poor are becoming poorer. There is not much of a middle class these days. I’m very liberal and truly a socialist at heart. Here in the US, maybe other countries as well, socialism is a dirty word. People here hate it. I live in one of the states in the south too. I don’t know if you follow American politics or know much about my country but we have 50 states and my state is Arkansas. It’s in the south of the U.S and it falls in line with a group of states that is referred to as “The Bible Belt”. Basically these states are very conservative in thinking and dominated by the religious right. It sucks for me lol.

        I have grown up around family from France and England, both countries that are quite opposite in how they conduct government compared to here. I’m used to my family paying high taxes and such but I, like most of my family, haven’t minded because of the benefits like health care and other entitlement programs that help them. Of course, there are problems with their system too but I have often thought that the U.S. should take a page from their book, at least with healthcare. Our President, Barack Obama, tried to implement a single payer system when he was elected but because of the conservative GOP (the Republican Party here), the president and his party basically had to give up that notion and more. But thank god, we did end up with the ACA or “ObamaCare” as it’s been dubbed. If it weren’t for this in place and my state opting in to expand its health system, without a doubt, I would be much worse off. Because of the ACA becoming law, I along with many others, now have healthcare. Since I don’t work my coverage is paid for the most part. I think for my coverage I have to pay 30% out of pocket if there is something insurance won’t cover completely. It’s something I hope I can continue to depend on until I can get better.

        Sorry this is such a long reply, again! I think so far you have been my most favorite person to talk with via WP. I love your blog posts and drawings, it makes me feel a little less crazy to see I’m not the only one that does the things I do. Btw, your English is quite good. I am very impressed and you should feel really good about what you’ve accomplished in your studies. You are quite intelligent so remember that!

        Sigh. I am procrastinating of course. I hope to start back on trying to get myself motivated and doing things needed on a daily basis. I don’t quite know how to explain it but today feels different for me, I think I might be at the point where I’m so fed up with things that I must do something about it all. I’m hoping to figure out a schedule to ease into as well. How have you been doing with your schedule? Remember not to be too hard on yourself, you have made some positive steps in the right direction. I’m really impressed and proud of you! Take care and don’t worry about replying unless you’d like, I know I can be a bit much lol. 😉

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