Dissapointments. (I.guess.)

Today seems to be a bit of a dissapointing day. I’ve been trying to start working on changes in my life again. I need something to do, instead of sitting in a room in a house that is not mine, where I have to adjust all the time , and where I’m slowly spending my savings because I have no income.This would be a better year for me, I kind of promised myself; better than the last few years who haven’t been too nice.

Today I started searching for jobs again. I woke up, with a neutral feeling, like  “yeah, today I can try, today I will try’ without any signs of depression. But now the day is ending, I sit here, feeling anxious, stressed, and maybe a bit down.

The jobs I found are definitely not ‘me’ – the requirements, I never fit into them ( they ask for too many things I do not have – papers and such), they asp specific for students (i’m not), they mention an age limit (someone betwee 16 and 21 – I’m not) and so on and on.

I came across another volunteer program, but they have an age limit of 27. Sheesh, Is really life over when you’re 30 or older? Or is it that you supposed to have life in order that you dont need these things anymore. Of course not, yet, that’s how it looks.

Again, this stream of thoughts in my head breaks loose.You’re diploma is useless. You’re useless, no one sees any value in you, you see, you fit in nowhere, there is no place where you fit. And so on. I don’t know, these things are particularly difficult somehow.

Be accepted. Have a chance. Yet, this seems to be very difficult.

Thoughts are spinning around my head about this. About death. This has been in my head lately, that I’m superafraid to lose people around me. I don’t know why this is so strong now, I can feel worried sometimes about losing people around me and there is not a particular reason for. My friend’s death last October maybe. I don’t know.And yet I feel that I don’t have a right to use this as a reason, since we were not superclose friends or something. Meh, this is weird.

I feel pressure on me. Physically, my body is also stuck. Very tensed. I notice this, so this is a warning sign. I notice it also when I practise Jiu Jitsu, which didn’t go so well lately, and where even my mood seemed to sink and I think of quitting.

I try to do some things today that will be okay. Try to do some small things that make me feel like I did something today. But it’s just so hard sometimes. And then there comes a tomorrow. What to do with it? What to do. With. it.

 

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3 thoughts on “Dissapointments. (I.guess.)

  1. I find myself wishing I would get sick with the flu just so I’d have a reason to stay in bed. I just want to sleep and not be thinking. I hope you have better days ahead, that things get better soon. Good luck with the job search too!

  2. First off, I appreciate the follow – I’ve been meaning to thank you for some time. As for how you’re feeling right now, it’s definitely hard to look up when you feel as if you’re cascading down a rocky cliff.

    Never mind how the world views age. Sometimes it really is just a number. What is important to them, may not be important to you. They also forget that with age, comes wisdom and life experience that cannot be bought or sold.

    About doing small things – compare yourself not to others, but to yourself. Your achievements and failures have the greatest impact on one person only: you. Remember, they are not you and you are not them. Keep doing those small things. A small win is still a win, after all.

  3. I was actually smiling when I read your post. Psychologically speaking, you will find ways on how to connect to something that you think fits you. But you tell honestly, this is how my day went by today. Try to do certain things just to pass the time. Arrange things just so you could focus on other stuff other than what’s clogging your thought processes. I actually don’t know what to make of it.

    With all the things going on right now, the easiest way to take things is to take each day as it is. It’s not that you do not worry about the future but somehow it makes things more bearable.

    For all the thoughts and words of wisdom that you shared with me, I hope you find someone (or maybe something) that makes everyday worth fighting for.

    Wishing you the best, my friend.

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