Today seems to be a bit of a dissapointing day. I’ve been trying to start working on changes in my life again. I need something to do, instead of sitting in a room in a house that is not mine, where I have to adjust all the time , and where I’m slowly spending my savings because I have no income.This would be a better year for me, I kind of promised myself; better than the last few years who haven’t been too nice.
Today I started searching for jobs again. I woke up, with a neutral feeling, like “yeah, today I can try, today I will try’ without any signs of depression. But now the day is ending, I sit here, feeling anxious, stressed, and maybe a bit down.
The jobs I found are definitely not ‘me’ – the requirements, I never fit into them ( they ask for too many things I do not have – papers and such), they asp specific for students (i’m not), they mention an age limit (someone betwee 16 and 21 – I’m not) and so on and on.
I came across another volunteer program, but they have an age limit of 27. Sheesh, Is really life over when you’re 30 or older? Or is it that you supposed to have life in order that you dont need these things anymore. Of course not, yet, that’s how it looks.
Again, this stream of thoughts in my head breaks loose.You’re diploma is useless. You’re useless, no one sees any value in you, you see, you fit in nowhere, there is no place where you fit. And so on. I don’t know, these things are particularly difficult somehow.
Be accepted. Have a chance. Yet, this seems to be very difficult.
Thoughts are spinning around my head about this. About death. This has been in my head lately, that I’m superafraid to lose people around me. I don’t know why this is so strong now, I can feel worried sometimes about losing people around me and there is not a particular reason for. My friend’s death last October maybe. I don’t know.And yet I feel that I don’t have a right to use this as a reason, since we were not superclose friends or something. Meh, this is weird.
I feel pressure on me. Physically, my body is also stuck. Very tensed. I notice this, so this is a warning sign. I notice it also when I practise Jiu Jitsu, which didn’t go so well lately, and where even my mood seemed to sink and I think of quitting.
I try to do some things today that will be okay. Try to do some small things that make me feel like I did something today. But it’s just so hard sometimes. And then there comes a tomorrow. What to do with it? What to do. With. it.