My love, has left again, and I’m sad.

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Just a few hours ago, we were together. I knew the day would come again that we would have to say bye again, and I dread these days. I don’t know exactly why I find it so hard to say bye, but the last year has been particular difficult with everytime I had to say goodbye. It ended in me, the person who never cries, crying.

I can’t hold the tears. I guess this means I love you and I want to be with you. You seem stronger. I know you are sad too, but at least you don’t cry. (In my head this is weak somehow – I can’t cry, but I do, lately).

In my head I count time: the last 24 hours together. And so on, and on. I don’t want to, but it happens.

The days we’ve been together go too fast. I want you to be close to me, I want to be close to you. And yet every minute now, the distance between us gets larger and larger. Another thought I can’t get out of my head.

I know we both have to sort out some things, and me, impossible in making choices- I know I will have to choose and make a move. I’m scared I guess. I don’t have a job, no income, running out of money, will I make it in your country? Will I be able to learn your language well enough? Will I be able to find a job in yours, or get at least benefits, when I fail in this in mine? So many questions, so less answers yet.

Somewhere, I’m cursing at myself why I stay behind and why I’m not on the bus with you. Somewhere, it might be good to arrange some things, that you arrange some things and we have time to search a place to live.

When will we see each other again?  I guess it’s also up to me. Me, the person who can’t make choices. The person who’s afraid to move. Who feels guilty, no matter what I choose.

For now, I’m just sad. Sad that I will sleep alone tonight, sad that you are not here anymore. Sad that I’m not with you. Tears are filling my eyes again. I’m so dissapointed in myself. I’m dissapointed in that I always feel so guilty, no matter what I do. I feel guilty, I can’t seem to make a decision, and do.

Some of your clothes are here. I still smell you. I hope this never goes away. There are some traces left of you, who I wish I could keep forever. I hope we will see each other soon again.

Why, why,  do I feel so awful when you’re away?

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3 thoughts on “My love, has left again, and I’m sad.

  1. I’m sad for you too – it sounds like your heart is aching. And those choices you’re facing…wow. That’ll take strength, and could be so rewarding. I hope your pain lessens as your actions slowly bring you closer together

    • Thank you. It’s difficult to know that there is someone out there I feel so good with, and that when we’re together everything is so easy. It’s the small things I miss te most; waking up with someone next to you, make a nice lunch together, just be able to touch the other’s arm or something. To go on a walk, or cook together. These kind of choices are not ‘new’ for me I guess, I made some similar choice last year when I went abroad for a while. But they are so difficult somehow (and yet they are not- I guess). They make me feel so insecure and they give so much doubts and uncertainties. I’m not sure why exactly. But I want this year to be a better year. I have to make things better this year, because my life can not stay like it was, so I know I will have to start moving.

  2. Change is hard… we all go through it, some more than others. I myself have a change coming up and I need to get started but it’s difficult, especially the first step. But as the Buddha said, everything is impermanent and we are unhappy when we try to go against this. Or as the Romans said, change will either take you by the hand or drag you by the hair. You can do it!

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