Just a few hours ago, we were together. I knew the day would come again that we would have to say bye again, and I dread these days. I don’t know exactly why I find it so hard to say bye, but the last year has been particular difficult with everytime I had to say goodbye. It ended in me, the person who never cries, crying.
I can’t hold the tears. I guess this means I love you and I want to be with you. You seem stronger. I know you are sad too, but at least you don’t cry. (In my head this is weak somehow – I can’t cry, but I do, lately).
In my head I count time: the last 24 hours together. And so on, and on. I don’t want to, but it happens.
The days we’ve been together go too fast. I want you to be close to me, I want to be close to you. And yet every minute now, the distance between us gets larger and larger. Another thought I can’t get out of my head.
I know we both have to sort out some things, and me, impossible in making choices- I know I will have to choose and make a move. I’m scared I guess. I don’t have a job, no income, running out of money, will I make it in your country? Will I be able to learn your language well enough? Will I be able to find a job in yours, or get at least benefits, when I fail in this in mine? So many questions, so less answers yet.
Somewhere, I’m cursing at myself why I stay behind and why I’m not on the bus with you. Somewhere, it might be good to arrange some things, that you arrange some things and we have time to search a place to live.
When will we see each other again? I guess it’s also up to me. Me, the person who can’t make choices. The person who’s afraid to move. Who feels guilty, no matter what I choose.
For now, I’m just sad. Sad that I will sleep alone tonight, sad that you are not here anymore. Sad that I’m not with you. Tears are filling my eyes again. I’m so dissapointed in myself. I’m dissapointed in that I always feel so guilty, no matter what I do. I feel guilty, I can’t seem to make a decision, and do.
Some of your clothes are here. I still smell you. I hope this never goes away. There are some traces left of you, who I wish I could keep forever. I hope we will see each other soon again.
Why, why, do I feel so awful when you’re away?