The dominating emptiness

It’s over now, I’m cold, alone
I’m just the person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me –

This is a part of a song, by K’s Choice, a Belgian rock band. It’s from their song  “I’m not an addict‘, which hasn’t really anything to do with me, though these specific sentences describe pretty much how I feel, lately. This massive emptiness, is really not so nice somehow.

The last week has been a rough one – mainly struggling, struggling, struggling. I have been feeling depressed, and it has been a while I’ve been feeling this low. Along with these feelings actions come – or actually I should say: the lack of action. Because I don’t really act. In the morning, the first struggle was to get out of bed. Not one single day, I’ve been out of bed before 9.30 am, and some days it was 11.15 or something. Also, I skipped breakfasts, I think I only had breakfast once. Two days were really awful; I felt very low, not alert, and like I was living in a different world, that nothing seemed real, as if you’re behind a thick glass wall, can see the world around you, but never can be part of it; it just moves along, and there you are, trapped in this prison that no one can’t see and makes you not able to touch reality.

Today is the first day I finally seem to feel a bit better, not with these lows anymore, but I know I’m not safe and this emptiness is just around the corner. I can feel it, I can see it, I can sense it. Often, in times like this, I have a lot of trouble with making decisions. And it’s still very hard to make decisions, I can’t decide even the most simple things; my head spins and I just ‘don’t decide’ – so nothing happens. Not even what to eat, what to wear, what to buy in the grocery store. Even if I make a plan, everything messes up in the whirlwinds inside of my head. And I don’t know how to fix this – I haven’t found any solution, it happens, and I can’t see to do anything about it.

I know I will see the person I love soon, but it faded away – I don’t feel it in real anymore. It became a vague memory, and I want to feel this, and not this emptiness. I feel guilty I feel this way, I feel not fair, that it feels this way, but there doesn’t seem anything I can do about this – it seems too far away, I can’t touch it, it’s out of reach, I can’t remember the actual feeling that is so good. I can’t – I’m just filled with this stupid emptiness.

This week was also the last Jiu Jitsu training of the year – the gym closes the next two weeks because of holidays, so there is no training. I don’t really like this – I just want it to continue. It’s actually the only steady , regular thing I do in my life. Last week, we went to join a Taekwondo club, sometimes we have these ‘special trainings’. I didn’t have a good day and I was doubting a lot to go or not to go, but as I said I would come, I joined. The most people of the club I train with, (it’s not such a big club, very few people), cancelled so I ended up there with the trainers. They and the people there seem to know each other pretty well, and I felt a bit uncomfortable there. At a certain point, while I was standing a bit lost in the gym when everyone was talking here and there in little groups, and I didn’t really know what to do or where to go, the taekwondo trainer walked to me and said: please join somewhere, practise, or talk, because if you are here,  you are one of us. This made me feel even more uncomfortable, I said to him this ‘social part’ wasn’t my strongest part and that I would try. But I didn’t really try hard- well I just didn’t know how or what. But I did what I could manage, I guess. Maybe as well, I don’t think taekwondo is really ‘my thing’, but it was interesting to see and try it once. It’s more aggressive than what I do (that’s not aggressive at all and myself, I’m not aggressive at all either – I learned this about myself this year when I ended up in a situation (you can read about it here ) where I should have punched or kicked someone, yet, I didn’t do anything, but becoming angry and shaking from anger). This situation made me wonder a lot of things about myself – could I attack or defend myself when someone would harm me? I’m not sure. Physically, I could – I’m strong, I know I have a lot of strenght, maybe more than average, though strenght isn’t everything – technique, balance and such can be more effective. But my real actions in this situation?

Anyway, in the taekwondo training, I did learn a few exercises that could be helpful, but I will have to find the motivation and willpower to do them myself. I really would like to improve my Jiu Jitsu skills, and maybe even try and do martial arts – I wish I could go to something like that everyday. Yet I just go once a week. (well, I can’t even afford to go to something every day I guess). But with practising this, I just forget about everything else in my life for a little while. And I focus on balance and technique, and somehow I like it, to learn, even if I make mistakes. I feel the want to improve myself, and the want to control, to be able to control. I just hope I can make this work, and can continue with this before dropping out because of my general emptiness.

Sometimes nothing seems to matter, and feelings fade away from me.

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3 thoughts on “The dominating emptiness

  1. I’m struggling too. I read this and was nodding my head so much i might have whiplash now. I feel that same emptiness, you describe it perfectly. What’s hard is recognizing it but not knowing what to do to make yourself better, I guess it’s good to be self aware but I hate feeling like this and not having the solution to do something. It’s especially awful when it is the holiday season too. Everyone is happy, looking forward to things but I just dread it all. I feel terrible to think the way I do but all I think about is when will it be over!? Having to be around people is something I’d rather not do but I will try. I hope you and I both feel better by the New Year. Crossing my fingers.

    • I’m sorry you’re struggling too, I hope things improve soon and you can make it as nice as possible for yourself. This emptiness is horrible. Because even if you can’t feel nicer things now, somewhere stored inside of you know that there is something nicer, and that something was better, but you can’t grasp, touch, or feel it anymore. That’s how it is with me I guess. I know things can be different, but they look so far away I can’t remember them anymore, there is this emptiness that overloads it all. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the actual emptiness that is so horrible, or the fact that you know it can be different. Anyway, you know, I don’t care much about this holiday season, First, I thought too that so much people (‘everyone’) was happy, but the truth is so different. In fact, there are a lot of unhappy people in this time. What bothers me about it is the superficial behaviour, the “look how good we are and let’s donate to this and that charity and be nice to people’ – like if these things don’t matter the rest of the year. It’s with too much double standards to me, and I don’t have much reason to celebrate anything I feel. Well, holidays or not, I don’t celebrate anything actually, not even my birthday. I refuse to adjust and adapt to a situation i don’t want to be in, so I’m not going to Christmasparties and such. I will just spend it as much as I want to – I can’t spend it how I want to, but I will try to be as close to that as I can. Luckily, New Year’s eve, I’ll be around someone where I truly want to be around, and I escape a world where I’m stuck in now. I don’t know what the future will bring – all I know is that I will have to change it.

      • New Year’s sounds fun and like a lovely, much needed break. I’m happy to hear you will have that. I really do agree with what you wrote, the niceties of the season just annoy me. I hate how people can be the worst but during Christmas they become a nicer, shinier version of themselves. I just think the holidays can be exhausting, I also don’t really enjoy kids terrorizing my holiday, even if I don’t want to celebrate. There was a reason I didn’t have kids, lol. I could say more terrible things but I will stop here. Hope this finds you in a better place, I know we are both feeling the same but this morning I watched a video that at least gave me a laugh, it’s my newest post, go watch and tell me if you’re as amused as I was. 😉

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