And I look at your sunset. It’s live, but it’s far away from me. I can see it, but I can’t touch it. I can dream it, but I can’t experience it. I can remember, but I want it to be reality.
Sometimes, there is an intense sadness that comes over me. Deep inside, I know exactly why. Deep inside, there is this little piece of hope, that hopes to become the person that I seem to be; that hopes that once, there will be air to breathe, and space to move forward.
Hope hopes. Hopeless hope?
And I feel sad, intense sad, because I feel lonely and lost. Feeling lost for so long, running around in this maze, and imagine that you’ll never find the exit. All you see is a repeat of the same leaves you ran next to so many times . You see the seasons change, but never catch a glimpse of the exit.
I feel sad, because I miss the person I love. Why are we so far away? It’s cruel. I know, I should be grateful, thanks to the online world, thanks to Skype, thanks to webcams, thanks to microphones, that I can see her, I can hear her voice, I can talk with her.
But there is something that I reall mis. And that’s to be with her. To feel her presense, to put my head on her shoulder. To have her head on my shoulder. To just lie down and watch the sky. And my arms touches hers. To wake up, and see her next to me. To make breakfast for her. To go grocery shopping and sort out the food we will cook together.
I know I can count down the days. Twenty, to be exactly, just twenty days. It’s nothing right? All I know is that I don’t want it to be months away from her every time again. It hurts, it really hurts. I want and need to change my life again. But this time, I want to change it with her in it, in real. I don’t have much direction in my life, after trying a few things, I kind of got on a no directions track. She’s the head direction at this moment. She is not my everything, but she is a lot. There is more in the world besides her, of course, it’s dangerous to have just one thing, especially when it’s a person, in life. But everything seems to fall into nothing compared to her. Sometimes it’s scary for me, how I never thought being able to connect with people, to love someone this way.
I just can deal better with the world with her around me. I want to do things, with her around me. I try things, with her around me. For myself, it doesn’t really matter, or I can’t find the strenght, to move. It’s dangerous, and at the same time, it seems to be my saviour, in some ways. She makes me move. And not only in my heart.
Twenty days. Just twenty days.
They don’t take away my sadness. Twenty days can be a lot. They can be a lot.