Truth , was different.

Once, when I used to be someone. Or looked like someone.

Long ago. Maybe it’s not so long ago, but it seems like ages. Long ago, I used to be functional. Work used to need me, at least, or maybe, I thought.

Long ago, I used to work very hard, more jobs, save money. Be independent, be able to help other people out sometimes. Felt a part of society. Or was it all a dream?

Long ago, people told that, if you would study hard and do your best at school, there was a future. Teachers would tell you that you could do anything you like. Truth was different.

( I was turned down for a study because I was not ‘at the wished physical level – what’s the point of learning and progressing and a chance to develop something when you don’t have a similar background – you can’t do everything you want, there are studies who require experience, even if they seem open. If you’re not on their level, you don’t get a chance, bye bye. What, people can LEARN right? But no, they don’t want to take the time to learn, they require something and if you’re not on that level, even if you are good in other things, bye bye bye. What’s the point of educating people in the exactly same things on the exact same level?)

Long ago, the world seemed to be open, and going to University was important, they said. Working for a couple of years, working crazy shifts, 3 jobs at the same time, less sleep, I saved money, to go to University. With struggles, I finished University. No, I didn’t had this stereotype students life. I didn’t go out, I didn’t party, life was rough, it was work, sleep, study and run. Then I got sick. Boom. Troubles. Delay. Things never got the same again.

Once, there seemed to be a future. My degree, seemed to have a future. There seemed to be work. And now, I just passed 30, and I feel, I’m at the end of my life here. I’m of no use in the world of the working. I don’t fit in to profiles, no matter what I try and no matter what I do. I don’t get a chance to start. Maybe, I’m not so good in profiling myself, but is that a reason to get constant refuses? Yeah, there is less work, there are more unemployed people. But why is everyone around me at work at least? I don’t know anyone being in a situation like this. Everyone gets an interview or an opportunity from time to time. What do I do wrong? Why are the rules so difficult and procedures so weird I don’t even get benefits? It’s just not fair. It’s not. What is the point of being on this world? If there doesn’t seem to be a function for you when you can earn your own money and be a bit independent?

I’m in a prison, while I’m not behind bars. My life seems beautiful to some people; I’m free, there is no boss yelling at me, no one paying me, and I still have food and a bed. Truth is different. Those things will run out. And then? I will turn in to someone, who people don’t look at anymore. Or look down on? Turn in to someone who everyone can blame: for everything I did wrong why I ended up like that.

Bad dream. Bad dream.

Or is it a bad dream coming true?

 

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3 thoughts on “Truth , was different.

  1. Hello friend! It’s been quite a long time since the last time we talked and I have missed you so much!

    It sounds like nothing has changed too much for either of us, so it seems. I just had one of those “ah ha” moments while reading this too.

    So! My “ah ha” moment?! I have decided that I think you, seriously, should find out all u can on writing books, etc. I really can see you doing this well!

    I think that your drawings are just magnificent and I don’t know of any books out there that could compete with you. If you will forgive me too, I have a series of pictures and subjects in my head, thinking back on your past posts here, and I keep thinking how grand it would be if you could combine some into a book for adults or even children!

    I know you probably think I’ve gone mad, but I’m so, so serious about this. When you did a post on I think it was about the phone, anyways, there are several post I think of that when I read them, each time I felt this almost excitement from it. It was like, “Wow! This person gets me!”

    I realize this might be the most random message you get but please, please think about it without dismissing it entirely! There are so many men and women, children, teenagers, families out there that are dealing with something like depression or fibromyalgia, etc. I’ve never seen a book that has illustrations like yours that could explain things like you do.

    I hope this makes some sense, I really am excited by the notion of you doing something like this. It really would be incredible. If you could make a book with your drawings, writing about things like you do, omg, it could really be something! I need to go to your site and look at some of the post I’m thinking of and get back to you about this. I really, really think that you could be amazing and would have success doing this. You have such wit and your drawings are so fun, it really would be worthy of a book! Please think about it some and write me, even if it means you writing me telling me how insane and stupid this idea is!

    I am going to go look at your site now and then I shall send you another message about what things I’m thinking about that you’ve written! You are a fabulous person, I know I’m grateful to of found you here, I really think others could benefit from what you have to offer!!!!!! xo

    • Long time, no see! Good to see you back on WP. Just wanted to let you know that I’ve read what you wrote, (yeah it’s a lot 😉 ).I will reply to you properly, I just can not do it now. I have trouble to find my words and such. I just wanted to let you know I don’t ignore you, I’ve read what you said, but I would prefer to give a proper reply instead of a pancake reply. So, I will get back to you.

      • It was a lot! Which, sorry for that, no worries about a proper reply unless you feel as if you’d like to respond. I just felt a sort of excitement today after reading your newest post and what you had talked about. It’s like I wrote earlier to you, maybe you don’t see it quite like I do but you really do have a way with words and making the reader feel like they know exactly what you’re going through. I know what you mean about having difficulty in finding the right thing to say, it’s really difficult and I don’t want to put some kind of pressure on you or make you feel like you’re on the spot. Maybe blogging is best too?! I just felt after reading your newest post, talking about employment and such that you would be so brilliant if you could try for a book. I hope I don’t make it sound like it is something easy to do, I’m sure it requires so many things needed to do, not to mention the whole process writing something, editing it, finding someone to publish it……etc. etc. But! If a broke, down on her luck, single mum like J.K. Rowling can find success then I’m sure you could too. Again, it’s a grand idea of mine and it may be completely wrong you feel but I really do think you have the talent to go far. And that talent could be applied to not just the notion of writing a book but anything really. I just love your blog and appreciate you for everything you put out there!

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