Doing something meaningful – or not.

Today, I read something about someone who, just like me, went abroad for voluntary work. If you have read before on my blog, maybe you have read that I’ve ended this 6 months early, because it didn’t work out at all; there wasn’t any work and everything I tried to do didn’t matter to anyone; it seemed all useless and no one appreciated it.I couldn’t find my place there and even if I tried to talk about it several times (what was hard for me, but I did it), nothing changed. Maybe this is exaggerated to some, but I really felt there was no back-up at all. No one cared at the place where I ‘worked”, no one cared from the organisation with who I went on this voluntary work. They didn’t respond on my e-mails or messages and that really bothered me, for a while. I went on some trainings, I spoke with a lot of persons, and I still think this whole things turned out really crappy for me. I don’t want to indicate it’s all the fault of others, I’m guilty myself too, because I can not function in these environments, I could have made my own projects, I just couldn’t hang on to this because I felt trapped, unwished, didn’t seem any purpose of anything. I don’t have a strong power to continue when nothing seems to matter – I could have done something, instead of ‘giving up on everything’. I just lack this power. I don;’t know why.

As well, I don’t want to say by this that I’m the only one, of course I KNOW i’m not the only one. But that doesn’t make it feel easier or right. I so needed this to work out, but it didn’t. Hello real world.

Anyway, I read about something this person wrote, that how someone told him how great work he did, what he achieved and that he should be proud of himself. And how good he felt. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m  happy that he feels happy about this and that he did great work and others acknowlegde that, everyone needs something like this from time to time. I am happy he reached this and his work is valued and that is brings positive things – because I also know, it wasn’t easy for him either.

But by reading this, something touched something inside of me. I don’t know why or what exactly it is, but I thought about this whole thing and how dissapointing this went or ended. And how not accepted I feel in general (life) , and that often it seems that no one sees any value in me. Okay, there are a few expections, but on the working/professional level, I seem to be completely useless, because no one seems to see anything in me or there doesn’t seem to be a chance to develop myself in this way, and sometimes, I get really sad of this. What do I do wrong? Is there something wrong with my resume? Something with  my letters? I followed two or three trainings in how to do job applications and writing letters, I asked different people to check mine and for their help. What do I need to change? These things make me feel useless as a human being, why the heck am I on this world when there is no job for me and no money? I feel worthless. It is not only the depression thing or low self confidence that causes this, it’s also all the happenings in the last five years.

I got sick. There was no back up. No help. No financial stuff.

I rehabilitated. No help. I had to do it myself. No financial help.

No benefits; I was not bad enough and I was officially still a student, so take a loan.

I took a loan, worked on finished my study, finished, and that almost seems to be where my ‘carreer-future’ ended.

My studentsjob where I stayed after graduating, cut my hours, it was 4 hours traveling one way and in the end I got so less shifts that my trainfares where as high as my wage. No better situation and this went on for months. Pressure got really high, situation more bad and bad, so I left myself. Bye bye stupido, you lose all your rights, because its your fault your unemployed now.

Sat at home for 6 months. Feeling depressed, not being able to get out of this black hole. Had plans to travel to Georgia, Armenia, London, but ended up sitting in my room.

Finally made the decision to go on this voluntary project. Went abroad. Things didn’t work.  And so? I came back with nothing. I didn’t do anything, nothing meaningful.

And now? good question. I don’t know.

Sometimes, it just stings somewhere. And this devil inside my head: loser, loser, you can’t even take care of yourself. And I don’t want to blame, but things weren’t working with me. I feel rejected. Rejected by the world. And I can’t help it, and I know it’s a feeling, and I know it;s not completely true,  but this is how it feels somewhere inside of me.

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