Sometimes, and I find it hard to say how many times exactly, anxiety interferes in my life. Often it’s just there for a short time (or a couple of hours or something) – I think – I am not sure. But this whole anxiety , fear, and being scared thing, is something that seems hard to deal with, and it always seems to come back. No matter how brave I try to be.
Now I probably never have been one of the bravest people on earth – But sometimes things give me anxiety that I can not understand at all. Or I don’t want them to give such anxiety, and maybe that’s also a point, maybe I shouldn’t try to understand anxiety. Maybe I shouldn’t try to fight it, but I have really no clue how to deal with it. Rationally, I know it often doesn’t make sense but the feelings are just too strong.
There were some moments in the past I had panic attacks, they were really terrible. Maybe fear, and anxiety are playing a bigger role in my life then I might throughsee. But why am I afraid? Why? There is not so much too lose. Or is there?
I tried to figure out what exactly it is that I’m afraid for.
For sure, and maybe this is the thing that I’m the most afraid of, is to lose the people around me, the people who I love. This is the most cruel thing that can happen to me I think, and if I just think about it, I feel completely awful.
I am afraid I will never find a way in life to be able to take care of myself (and of others of course, but if I can’t take care of myself, how can I take care of others). I’m afraid I will never get a job where I can feel happy. I’m afraid that I will always be in these nasty positions because somehow I slip through the procedures and rules and I never seem to fit in, and my social skills aren’t that great that I get everything done just like that or find ways very easily.
I am afraid for a lot of pain, life has hurt me so much in the past and I don’t want hurt anymore.
I’m afraid the government maybe will make life impossible for me and take away my freedom. If I really hit the bottom financially, they can decide what I need to do, where I need to go and IF i can take a holiday or If I;’m even allowed to go or not.
I’m afraid that the rich people get richer and care less and less about the poor and situations will get worse. I”m afraid that the society in general will just get harder and harder and that there is no mercy or space to breathe or space to make mistakes anymore and …….
and I realize this is going to be an endless list.
I can keep typing and thinking of things.
And then these questions keep popping up. What are you going to do with your life? Which step should I take? Am I not making big mistakes? And blablablablabla…….
I really don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. I just wish I wasn’t afraid. That there weren’t these weird feelings that block you from doing things.