When everything is bothering you

Sometimes, there are these days, that nothing goes right, nothing seems right, nothing feels right. Not even the socks you wear, not even your underpants which fits normally just fine, not your hair, nothing.

A day that everything that seems to happen, isn’t working with you at all. Everything you read or see, bothers you somehow. Today, is a day like that.

On one side, I feel pretty numb again, and when I woke up I wondered what the heck I will do this day again; the days are all empty and meaningless again. I guess this is the depressionstuff that gets me from time to time, or it’s maybe the depression-part that never really leaves me. (Though I still realize that it’s still less worse then it was before, luckily).

I’ve been reading about (un) – employment, about jobs, things like that. And with reading this article;  ‘Why smart people don’t get hired, by Maurice Ewing I came to the conclusion that I can not profile myself or present myself in a proper way. I had always trouble with this. Now, with linking to this article I don’t want to say about myself that I’m smart or that is exactly going on with me what is written in this article. I just came across it and there were some parts that made me realize that this is one of my biggest trouble in finding or getting a job – I can not profile myself or present myself properly, but then again, I don’t think I can do so much or know so much, and almost everytime I read a vacancy I think when I see the profile ‘But that’s not me, I’m not what they are looking for”. The very few times I found a profile of which I thought, hm, maybe that could be me, I was turned down for the job. The reason they wrote to me was that other candidates fitted better to the profile. 1,5 months later, the exact same job, same description, same company, was online again. They really don’t want me, I don’t know why, but they really don’t want me, or they don’t see me as suitable. End of story.

In the world of today here, applying for jobs is or seems very much like a ‘look how great I am’thing. That is everything but me. I can’t deal with this pressure, I can’t play this game. Does that mean that I’m doomed forever? Lately, when I see a job, I doubt so much I don’t dare to apply. And often it takes so long before I can move myself, the job’s gone already again.I know somewhere, deep inside of me, I’m capable of doing things, of working. But why is it so heck difficult to find something. Why is it so hard for me to play this game? It’s really frustrating. And this little voice inside my head keeps repeating: you are not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough…

 

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4 thoughts on “When everything is bothering you

  1. I’m going to have to read the article now! I think that you and I, among many,many other people…we all need to realize that these thoughts we have are not true, that it’s the depression talking. I can at least see that sometimes, but it is quite difficult even for me to believe in myself. Especially when you aren’t comfortable with yourself like I am. Yes, another post from you that “spoke” to me.

  2. Just read the article! And no, I do not read that slowly that I am just now finished with it. I got a bit off track, lol. But I just read it and saved it because I want to show it to my boyfriend tonight when he gets in. I’m thankful that you shared it, it is a great article that gets one thinking about all sorts of things! Thanks again, kitty.

    • It’s still not the way with explaining like I wish though -there are more factors that make these things a problem. But once I start writing about it, I can never make it perfect or well enough to really have everything that is a part of the problem, with it, or I can’t connect them in words , but only in my head. Well anyway, this is really, a big problem for me, and I guess it goes further, than only the ‘job/no job’ part.

      I also think that it’s just not the depression part, in this case, but some other things too, though I find it really hard to get them al into words. It’s also a part of how the systems work, how the world works, how the procedures are for hiring people and all these kind of things.

      It’s nice to get feedback sometimes on posts – sometimes I really struggle with these things in my head and they are sometimes hard to share, so I really appreciate your reply.

      • I think you may be like me, the perfectionist, the person that wants so badly to get it all out and it be just what you want. And sadly, it’s a struggle for us. But I want you to recognize that even if it’s not what you desired, it still is pretty good. Sometimes it helps if you have someone there that can be honest and also recognize the good things. Maybe if you did, that inner dialogue in your head will become less of a stressor and your confidence shine! Just know I am so happy to chat with you and read your blog. There’s a lot of days that I feel lost, depressed, just miserable and when I can check in on your site, most of those things get a whole lot better.

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