Sometimes, there are these days, that nothing goes right, nothing seems right, nothing feels right. Not even the socks you wear, not even your underpants which fits normally just fine, not your hair, nothing.
A day that everything that seems to happen, isn’t working with you at all. Everything you read or see, bothers you somehow. Today, is a day like that.
On one side, I feel pretty numb again, and when I woke up I wondered what the heck I will do this day again; the days are all empty and meaningless again. I guess this is the depressionstuff that gets me from time to time, or it’s maybe the depression-part that never really leaves me. (Though I still realize that it’s still less worse then it was before, luckily).
I’ve been reading about (un) – employment, about jobs, things like that. And with reading this article; ‘Why smart people don’t get hired, by Maurice Ewing I came to the conclusion that I can not profile myself or present myself in a proper way. I had always trouble with this. Now, with linking to this article I don’t want to say about myself that I’m smart or that is exactly going on with me what is written in this article. I just came across it and there were some parts that made me realize that this is one of my biggest trouble in finding or getting a job – I can not profile myself or present myself properly, but then again, I don’t think I can do so much or know so much, and almost everytime I read a vacancy I think when I see the profile ‘But that’s not me, I’m not what they are looking for”. The very few times I found a profile of which I thought, hm, maybe that could be me, I was turned down for the job. The reason they wrote to me was that other candidates fitted better to the profile. 1,5 months later, the exact same job, same description, same company, was online again. They really don’t want me, I don’t know why, but they really don’t want me, or they don’t see me as suitable. End of story.
In the world of today here, applying for jobs is or seems very much like a ‘look how great I am’thing. That is everything but me. I can’t deal with this pressure, I can’t play this game. Does that mean that I’m doomed forever? Lately, when I see a job, I doubt so much I don’t dare to apply. And often it takes so long before I can move myself, the job’s gone already again.I know somewhere, deep inside of me, I’m capable of doing things, of working. But why is it so heck difficult to find something. Why is it so hard for me to play this game? It’s really frustrating. And this little voice inside my head keeps repeating: you are not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough…