Yesterday, was not such a good day I guess. The post I wrote, the way I felt, the fact that I cried several times. There was a kind of relapse, one that messed up with the deepest hidden parts of my soul, of the parts that were (and still are) hurt, especially in the past.
I felt that I got a kick in my soul, a part that’s vulnerable, a kick in the core of who I am, who I seem to be, and I felt blamed for it somehow. Of course this has more sides and it’s not completely the way I write it now, but it’s how I felt. And the effects this all had was because of ghosts from the past. The actual happening wasn’t probably that bad, and surely not complete enough to make conclusions from and cause such reaction. So yeah, I’m far from perfect and have defaults and relapses.
Battling ghosts from the past is something that seems to haunt you for a long time. In theory, I know a lot of how things “should be” and how certain things you should leave behind. Yet, that is way more difficult to do than all the theories.
A part of me feels guilty and weak, that I couldn’t hold myself together and blurt everything out. A part of me is ashamed of myself that I felt this way, and that it caused such reaction. And that this side overwhelmed everything else; that I couldn’t see it anymore in proportions, even if I knew somewhere, it was just half of the story.
I have tears in my heart. I feel sad now when I think about it.
Because, I-love-very-much-far-away-friend, I can’t help it, but I love her too much and I feel so comfortable with her that I don’t want to miss the chances to spend life with her. Even if my emotions mess up sometimes with me and think she deserves better. It’s not fair, I make these conclusions. I know she loves me, and she knows I love her. And I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me. And I wouldn’t want to miss it for anything. She is such a beautiful person. I feel so good with her and she is so nice and smart. I don’t want to let all of this capture me from being in this relationship. I don’t want that anything drives our ways apart somehow – I can not let that happen. This has too much worth for me. Too much worth.
When I think about it again, I feel sad. I feel sad to the bottom of my heart.
Why do I think she deserves better? She will make her own choices and can decide very well what she needs and wants. And I know she loves me, so why the hell do these things come up in my head? Why?
Why do I still think somewhere that I’m one big failure and that I don’t deserve this? Because I didn’t make it in life? Because I can’t keep up with the main stream and while everyone’s aboard of the ship, i’m still standing at the shore – can’t grasp life.
But my life, is somewhere else. It’s not in this main stream, I can not walk there, I can not swim there, I can not survive there. But there is this small place, I know it must be somewhere, where I can be. It will not always be easy, but at least there will be something, or someone, very important:
A beautiful person who doesn’t judge, who seems to notice the real me, who accepts me, no matter what, who loves me, who cares. A beautiful person who I really love, I can’t describe it with words what she does to my heart. She’s a person who is worth of taking risks for. A person who is worth battling everything that always blocked me. A person that is worth the fight with life.