A difficult sunrise and a heart of gold


When we leave the house, it’s dark outside. The streets are empty and most people are still sleeping – there are no signs of life. I turn on the car, and we drive off. An empty highway, and music playing softly. Sometimes shortly, I hold the hand of I-love-very-much-far-away-friend. A few times I have to fight my emotions, but tears are slipping away from my eyes. This drive is not one I want. She’s leaving. I don’t want to wave bye on the airport. I want to stay with her. I want her to stay with me.

Last week, I drove to this airport. as well.  And I had to cry several times. I don’t know what happened to me, but I feel like I’m an emotional mess – crying about silly things. Even in public, I can not fight my tears.

A few hours ago we were lying in bed together, sleeping. A day ago, I thought; 24 hours left. I don’t want to count down the time, but it happens. I tried not to think about it, but leaving time was coming, and it made me feel sad inside. I woke up at 2:59 am. Thinking that within 12 hours, I would be alone again. Thinking about how happy she makes me, how much life becomes nicer and is nicer, with her. Thinking about how happy I sometimes felt lately. How beautiful she is, in and out side. How my depressions fade away. How different I feel when we are together. How beautiful life is with her.

And on, and on, and on.

When we drove to the airport, we saw the sunrise. It was a very, very beautiful sunrise. Empty highways, yellow-pink sky. We both watch it in silence. It’s a moment you want to last forever, tough yet you don’t want it to last forever since then it wouldn’t be so nice anymore but still.

At the airport, the tears came again. I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried. I felt like I was the only one at the airport crying , and I couldn’t stop. I wanted to be strong, tell her how much I love her and how happy she makes me and say positive things, that she will feel good and not see me crying. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I kissed her. Realizing that this kiss would be the last real kiss in a while. Realizing that this hug will be the real last hug in some time. I know I will see her again, but I don’t want to be so far away from her. I don’t want to wait for months. All I want, is to be with her. To be close, to her.

Now I start to understand how it really feels when your loved one is far away from you. The things she told me, now I have an explosion of feelings how it feels. Of course I missed her, but in time, feelings seem to fade. I get numb when I don’t see her for a certain amount of time. And yet I know the feelings are somewhere, things just get numb to survive and make it bearable?

I stood outside on the platform, watching her plane getting ready for departure. My parking tiime expired, but I didn’t go back because I didn’t want to miss the plane. I watched the plane leaving. Tears and tears and tears.

Why am I not in that plane? Why the hell am I such a wussy I just don’t take the leap and be with her? Because, I have to arrange some things. Because, she has to finish some things. Finish her work there.

I walk back to the car. Alone. Tears. I take a deep breath. Drive away from the airport, and every mile, every kilometer, is one further away from her. Our paths get distant again. For a while I know, just for a while.

i-love-very-much-far-away-friend is in the plane in the sky.
I’m here in the car alone.

I turn on the radio and  ‘A heart of gold is playing’.

A heart of gold.

Yeah, she really has a heart of gold.

but for now, my heart is stuck in tears. Why does this sting like hell? Why do I keep crying? Why are these emotions so heavy?



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