Today, I went to my friend in the city. Picked up some groceries on the way so I could cook for her. Then we talked about the loss of our friend. Another friend of her joined as well. After some time we discussed about going to the morgue or not, because someone close to the person who died, said we could go,we decided to go. My friend was scared to go, but as the funeral is tomorrow (it’s an Islamitic funeral – that’s why it’s so fast) this was the last opportunity to see her. Also the morgue where she is/was, is not even a ten minutes walk from my friend’s house.
We walked there, and it was a very weird walk for me. I had a very weird feeling in my stomach, and with every step I took, I thought: I’m one step closer to the place where she is lying now. It was weird. When we came at the morgue, we arrived at the same time with some other people, who came for another person there. They were first, so we had to wait in the waiting room. The morgue wasn’t at all what it looks like in movies; I was a bit afraid it would look like that, but it was not. While sitting and waiting, I was shaking again and I felt terrible.
From the other people I could hear what they said and saw what happened – they lost someone who died the morning of this day with an accident at work. And the person who worked at the morgue, gave them all the stuf of this person; his carkeys, phone, all sealed, his helmet, workclothes………it was really weird and impressive for me to see this somehow. In the back of my head I was thinking: how would it be like when this would be someone close to me? I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head. They seemed so calm to me, though some of them cried now and then, but they seemed so calm to me. I would probably have crashed down really badly.
After some waiting, the employee took her body out of the fridge (or however you call that – but I guess it’s some kind of fridge) and prepared the room. I wasn’t sure if I should go in the room to see her or not. But I did. When they opened the door, my friend and her other friend went first. First I saw a hospital bed with a white blanket. Then I stepped in the room, and there she lay; in a blue shirt (the one they use for surgeries), half under a white blanket in this hospital bed.
I didn’t stay long in that room. Tears coming up, I watched at her for a minute or so and suddenly I had the feeling I needed to go out of the room. I left. My friend stayed for 5 or 10 more minutes. I can’t exactly remember the time frame. Tears came, and I walked around in the waiting room, trying to calm myself down. The other people where still there, with all the stuff of the other person who died.
After a while, when my friend came out, and we walked home. It was weird. When she was lying there, (I didn’t dare to touch her, I just watched), I was like, get up, stand up, just press a button and walk again. Weird thoughts of course, but it was hard to grasp, but death is just weird to me.
While walking home, I felt really irritated with this other friend who came. She was (at least to me, but maybe my level of tolerance was lower?) non-stop talking about losses she had and how to deal with this and if my friend wanted to do something to say goodbye and wanted to do this and that……….and it annoyed me so much, that I felt like screaming: SHUT THE **** UP! She just died, give some space, and just shut up! Of course that is not nice of me to think, but I was really annoyed that she kept talking so much. Eery person deals with loss in his or her own way, there is not one way. But it really annoyed me she constantly spoke this way and asked these questions which were completely irrelevantin my eyes,well at least these kind of things were too soon. When someone just died, why would you have to force someone to be distracted and think about what you want to do for the person etc. Probably she meant it good, but I had enough with it.All I could think of is; don’t push too mush, sheesh, give some air to breathe. And so I left.
Tomorrow is the funeral. I’m still in doubt wheter to go or not. First she is going to the mosque, but that is closed/private; i can only join in the funeral itsself what is after the mosque. I didnt receive an official invitiation, but her ex husband said that we could come.
I went home and sat in the train with weird feelings. The train was full of people who came from shopping. And I sat there: sometimes the world just stops for you, but everything around you goes on, like nothing ever happened.
For me, the world just stops sometimes.
I still don’t know how I feel, or what I think.
But when I came home, i-love-very-much-far-away-friend was there on skype. She was there. She is there, even if she is far away.
I see her.I hear her. I know she is there. And this made me cry again. i-love-very-much-far-away-friend, if you read this, I wish I could let you feel how much this means to me. I can not express how much value this has for me. While typing this, tears rolling out of my eyes again.
I wish I knew how to end this blog post properly, but I don’t, so I will end it weird, and just like this. Boom. Just like that.