A year ….and what has changed?

Exactly one year ago, I started with this blog.
The first post I wrote is this: somewhere deep in the soul

First, I never really expected to keep up with writing on the blog for so long- and secondly: I’m really surprised with the number of followers I seem to have. For me it is hard to imagine that so many (well for me it is many!) people are following my blog. Again (I’ve said this before), it makes me wonder, who you are, who you all are as a person and what makes it that you follow my blog. For myself , I’m still an uninteresting person that is pretty empty, in some ways.

Well, anyway, if I reflect on the past year, and look back at the first poem I started this blog with, I have to say that somewhere nothing much has changed; the emptiness is still there, I still feel trapped, and sometimes there is this tiny piece of hope. Maybe that keeps me alive, I don’t know.

Also this day means that I’m officially unemployed for 1 year and 1,5 month, without any form of benefits. (And I’m still alive). I tried to change in this year, but did I succeed?

For months I sat depressed at a home that is not mine, I tried to turn my life upside down and went abroad, and unfortunately, this didn’t work out that well as I have hoped for. And now I’m back. But I would love to go back. But, in different circumstances. In a different environment. But did my life get better? Did things change in a positive way? Did I get out of the depression traps?

I still feel depressed from time to time, though at the moment less than before. I’m still without a job or any benefits. I still feel empty. But there have been a few good things during this year; I made the step to go abroad, this was so far I think the best time of my life, I met someone who I really like, after a long time of apathy I felt some feelings that were far away again,and maybe the most important: I felt happy a few moments again. Happiness, was so far away (and now it looks far away again…)

Now I still have questions, without answers;

Did I really change? Am I a different person?

Why does it looks like nothing much has changed?

When do I finally get out of this trap and messy situation?

There are still so many questions, that are left without answers.

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One thought on “A year ….and what has changed?

  1. I’ve been scrolling back through your posts trying to figure out when I first started following you. I believe I started when I read a piece you’d written about feeling helpless/hopeless, and that resonated with me, and I was concerned for you (though I’m prepared to be corrected on that – my memory might be faulty!). You ask what’s changed in the year since you started blogging. For what it’s worth, I can second what you mentioned in your post – it seems to me that your depression has lifted and doesn’t weigh as heavily as it used to. And that’s just wonderful đŸ™‚ Onward and upward, I say!

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