The fallback and the lookoutfor

Since a couple of days, it’s hard for me to keep up with a healthy / healthier life style. I’ve neglected eating well, there’s too much crappy food going down towards my stomach. Somehow, I can’t find the energy to change this. I want to hang on to the way I was in – but it is hard to keep up with, when I’m here – back here, in the invisible prison, in the grey lands. I also tend to lock myself inside, and not going out. I don’t know why it is so difficult to go outside here. Or maybe I do know, but it’s not a valid reason. I don’t feel comfortable with the people around. I wouldn’t say they are not nice, but they judge and they are just not people I feel comfortable with. They are just not the people I need around me, to feel good. This is not the place, I keep repeating that, and I will do, as long as I’m here ; I need to move at a point and get away from here – and not temporary, forever.

Last week, I visited city-friend and stayed over.  This time it made me think a lot; our lives are pretty different, and sometimes it makes me sad. She has a different kind of life and sometimes I wonder what exactly makes us friends. Sometimes I feel this huge distance and then everything in my head keeps spinning and all these questions pop up and I have no idea what the truth is about everything or how things are – but I realize that maybe those things don’t matter as well. Stayed up too late- but when she and her boyfriend are off, they go to sleep late, in the am hours – I usually go to sleep earlier. I slept really crappy which wasn’t too good and maybe I should just not stay over anymore for sleep, I don’t know. But I realize that, this also, is not making me very happy. I appreciate the friendship, and I like to hangout sometimes, but there are times as well, I don’t enjoy it anymore. I see something that makes me feel awful, a repeating life, something that would scare me maybe to have myself,because I would see it as another prison – well I see it that way right now, but maybe that is because I can not remember anymore how it is to have your own place to live with your own things.   (Question to myself; is it me, or something else?)

But if I didn’t have something to look out for, things would turn towards depression for sure. There is something, that keeps me stand up a bit. Because there is something to look out for. That is that i-love-very-much-far-away-friend will come in just a few weeks time. She bought (a bit unexpected and earier then I would have thought) plane tickets. When I saw the e-mail with the plane schedule there appeared a huge smile on my face. And I couldn’t stop smiling for the next hours. I can already see myself driving to the airport to pick her up. It’s the first time she will come in this country, unfortunately we will have to stay at my parents, which is not ideal, but since I don’t have a place, there is not much choice. She will also meet my city friend. City friend has her birthday on the date she arrives and has her birthdayparty as well, so we will go there together. This will also mean, that I will introduce her as my I’m-together- with- person (the world girlfriend is a bit weird to me somehow it doesn’t sound right) . No one knows really, just my city friend I’ve told about it, but others don’t know or expect anything. I didn’t tell it to my parents neither. I don’t know exactly when or how or what I should say. but I don’t want to think about it now.
But it doesn’t really matter.

All that matters is that i-love-very-much-far-away-friend is coming. That is really all, that matters.



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