The prison I try to escape from

Since a few days my mood goes a bit up and down. Or, not really up, it goes between neutral and low. Things keep repeating in my head: this is not my place, this is not a right environment, whatever I do, I need to get out of here.

Probably it will take some time (or is that just a simple excuse?) to move again. Now is not the good time somehow.  This whole not having any form of income thing is not making it better but I don’t see it how to get out of this – it’s probably not a problem at all and not so hard to a lot of people, but this very ‘simple (?) thing, is a disaster for me. I keep fighting with it. I don’t get out of this. And I can feel eyes staring at me. Looking at me every move I make. Brains making judgements. Thinking; how can she act so stupid? How can she even think like that? How can she not act? Voices saying: she’s not so dumb, how can she not get that? How can she not understand that?

Yesterday, I didn’t manage to get out of the house. At the end of the day, I felt really sad. This overall sadness is here, but I just manage to push it away from time to time. And what do I do to make it better? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I keep falling in these traps. Keep falling in these feelings. In these thoughts, that I am not welcome anywhere. That I have no place to be, that I don’t belong anywhere. That I am always too much.

And now, it’s weekend. I don’t like weekends. I feel trapped in weekends. I have not really somewhere to go (which has good things, I agree, but now it’s too directionless).

And today, there’s a special Jiu Jitsu training. And I think I would like to go, but at the same time, I don’t want to. New people, I don’t know them, I’m just a beginner again, it’s 3 hours, and how do I interact? (I’m not in the best mood to interact-what to say about myself if they ask me questions? There’s not much to tell).

The clock is ticking. In a couple of hours it starts, and I still have to decide if I go or not.

If I won’t , I probably feel a bit sad that I didn’t try. If I do……. I don’t know.
I know what the logical answer would be. But moving, trying to get out of this trap…..
rationally, it’s all so easy. I wish it would be all so easy.

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