Pressure

Even with the fact that my days are not filled with too much activity, days pass by pretty fast. There is not really a difference in days anymore, weekends or weekdays, I don’t really feel a difference. Because every day, is almost the same.

I wake up. Option: shower/not shower. Breakfast. Clean a bit. Computer. Lunch. Computer. Option: sleep/not sleep. Dinner. Computer. Sleep.

Sometimes there is ‘grocery shopping’ added somewhere, and recently a little change came, that nowadays one day a week I go to Jiu Jitsu in the evening.

I browsed the websites of job agencies and looked for vacancies, but somehow there is not much where I would fit the requirements and/or skills. There’s almost nothing. I don’t really dare to apply, if I don’t fit in the description at all.

I saw another job, abroad (I live close to a border), its 1,5 hour drive from here. I think it’s a cool job, but the date expired. But it’s still online. Should I apply? I don’t know. I can speak and understand the language, but I can’t write (or speak) it perfectly. There is also not really anyone I know who could help me to write a letter in this language, because from all the people I know, my knowlegde of this language is the best.

And this other job, closer, but less interesting because of the things to do – a lot of computer & telephone, not too good for me. I know that even if there is a vacancy,the chance for being invited for a job interview or having a job is very small. I don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to apply.

And they both say: no days off this year. Normally, that wouldn’t be a problem. I don’t mind IF I have to work with holidays, or sundays, or weekends, or things like that. I really don’t.

But this time, it is a bit different. And maybe this is weird to say because I don’t have anything now and I should be happy with any job that comes almost and not care about this and just work……. but, I want to go visit the person I love. She’s abroad, not really close, so if I go, it will take at least a few days and I will have to take a plane (well, have to – it’s simply the cheapest (and fastest) option). And I would really like to visit her, because, I miss her. And I feel good when I’m with her. I feel good, I’m happy, and I miss those feelings here. I want to see her, I want to be with her, and I want to feel good. That’s why I want to go. I don’t want to have a lonely awful depressing Christmas and New Year’s eve. (okay, these feelings are there here often even when it’s not Christmas or anything like that). But what if I buy the plane ticket now and then I get a job and I can’t get off? What do I do? What do other people do? What would you do?

I feel pressure. Maybe that’s weird, but I do feel it. And with my decision making problems, argh, i just wish I knew what to do, OR, had the guts to.

 

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3 thoughts on “Pressure

  1. Oooh some really tough decisions going on. I wonder why they say no holiday like that; it seems a bit harsh!

    If I were in your shoes, I’d book the flights and just be very upfront in any applications you make that you have this commitment. That’s what I’m doing anyway – I booked a holiday for the end of October while I was sending out job applications, and I had it in mind that if I got past the interview stage, before I signed anything, I’d tell them I’d booked a holiday and let them make their own decision. Hopefully if they’d already offered me the job, they must want me, so they wouldn’t terminate over this.

    I hope you do go and see the girl you love. It sounds like that time would be worth so much to you.

    • Probably it’s busy at those days or their employees with permanent contracts have off? Or those days most people want to be free…. I don’t know exactly. Your respond is really helpful to me, thanks 🙂 Somehow I have so much trouble with making decisions, no matter how big or small. And I’m I guess a what if person…Like I don’t have a job or benefits now, and I’m already asking myself the questions what if I have one of these and what if I go what if its not possible what if what if…….I don’t know why i do that or why it blocks me so much. Maybe I should just do it…….I hope I will. I just need good times in life, there has been so much not good already. Yeah, that time is really worth to me a lot. I’ve never thought to feel good again in life and that I could feel happiness again. And with her, life was so different and nice. I wish that could be forever.

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