waiting, for what?

Another day like other days before. The weather is nice – sunshine, not too cold, no rain. And I don’t have to do anything. Could be a perfect day, right? At least, that’s how it must be for some people. I should be happy, that I have a place to stay right now, that I can eat something, and so many things could be worse. Yeah, things could be worse. But that, doesn’t mean things are okay.

Be happy with what you have. Uhuh, who says. It’s a sentence that kills everything. Easy spoken, when you are not deeply unhappy and trapped.

Or say: oh, but in this country it’s not so bad, and it’s not so bad you don’t have a job, at least you don’t have a family. Uhuh, yeah, right, If that makes things okay.

Sometimes it’s making me angry. I am angry. I want to get out of this crap, but I’m stuck in a spider’s web where the spider has used superglue. I shouldn’t have come back here. It would have been better to be still abroad and even if I have lived on the streets, it might have been better. Yeah, I know what I say. I know living on the street is not cool.

And here I’m sitting. Waiting. Waiting for something to change. For something to happen. And I know too damn well, it doesn’t. That waiting doesn’t get me anywhere.

I should apply for jobs like crazy, I should run around and shout around how good I am and why someone should hire me and what I’m capable of and how cool I am and such.

But you know what? Reality is different. Here, the person behind these words, is broken.
YEARS now, YEARS – rejections, failures, people telling me it’s really not so bad, things will get better someday…………what do they know? WHAT do they know about this?

Things like this just need to hold on for long enough, and you completely lose yourself.

You don’t know anymore who you are, what you want, what you like, what you wish, what you dream, since there is no more. You don’t even know what you can, or are capable of, and you feel guilty. Guilty towards the world that they have to deal with a miserable failure like you me.

And it’s just a bad moment, right. Just a bad moment.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s