Maybe it shouldn’t be disappointment. Because maybe, I should have known better. But I guess, sometimes, you have hope for things to turn out nice. But sometimes, when that happens, they don’t. And then, …yeah, what, then?
It’s maybe stupid, but sometimes things can change my mood. Today, I went to the city with my sister. She’s around for a couple of days and yesterday, we agreed on going to the city today. But I wish today, I hadn’t. Often I have ‘trouble’ with my sister. She’s okay, I guess, but we’re quite different persons and she has a very strong opinion, way of things and look on things and she is very strong with words (say: pittbul type). And sometimes, she can really make me feel awful, and a stupid loser. We went to the city today and she was not in a good mood – quite moody. Instead of saying to me I don’t want to go, she said nothing, and walked with thunder speed and was grumpy about everything. About the bad service of this and that, about the shops and people’s behaviour, about just everything. For the things we kind of talked about before, was nothing left anymore. I felt like she didn’t want to be there and she said something like: go wherever you want to go, I don’t care (yesterday, she said she would maybe need new shoes and inform for some repair of something). I kept my mouth shut, since I don’t want to fight with her, and she is very strong with words and iffff I say something it will turn into not a nice way. I learned that the best is not to react on her when she acts like this, but the other side, is that I have to be so careful with what I do and say and such.
Well anyway, I’m struggling a bit at the moment to stay positive, and this overload of those stores are no good and this behaviour and people and blablabla , were not really good for me to hear. Also the part of that she doesnt care about things or new clothes and stuff and that most people are not listening and whatever and that everyone can get a job if they want and if not you can always create work yourself…it made me feel awful. That she can live like that is fine, that some people can live like that is fine, but that doesn’t mean it works for everyone And I can not even find my words now to describe exactly, but I feel awful. I skipped the things I wanted to, all I wanted was to go back home soon. And now I’m back, and I feel annoyed and awful. I had these issues before with her, just sometimes things go okay, but I can’t help it; my own sister, makes me feel like I’m a bad person sometimes, and makes me feel awful, and like I’m worthless crap.