So, the job I applied for last week, is not going to be my job. I was turned down for the job, with the reason that there were other applicants who fit better to the profile the company is looking for. (First thought: Yeah, as always…).
It’s not cool. And this can make me feel more bad about myself. I know it’s just one thing now, but this is how it always went before too. It makes me wonder; where the heck DO i fit? Where the heck am I good enough for? What the heck is wrong with me?
I so need something in my life I can earn some income again, even if its just a little, I don’t require a job with a super salary. All I want, is just a decent salary so I can get by. Buy some food, be able to live on my own again , even if it’s a very small place, and buy myself new clothes if I need them. Pay my health insurance. Is that too much to ask?
It seems so.
I know of course, there are lots of people unemployed at the moment. I am tired of this competition to find a job. Already. It did not change it the time I went abroad.
I guess the pressure to try again for benefits is getting bigger. And end my freedom. And end a part of dignity that was left that I had for myself.
And I don’t know if I will go try out the Jiu Jitsu training tonight. I am afraid.
I should go, I guess. But I’m afraid at this moment, afraid to go to new places I don’t know, afraid for people. What to say? And what right do I have, to spend money, even if it’s not much, on sports? I almost feel like I’m a criminal, someone who is bad and doesn’t deserve the right to live. And I know it’s not like that, though sometimes it feels that way. Meh. It’s temporary, right? (Second thought, it’s what I say to myself all the time)