Fears – the black noise.

Tick tick tick. I’m still in bed, listening to the ticking away of seconds on the clock. Through the curtain I can see that the sun has come up, but I don’t want to leave my bed. I feel awful. For another hour, I stay like this. But I knew. The warning signs were already there. I’m struggling. Struggling to get through the days again.

Another day, and things are still empty. Yesterday, I managed to do two things; inform at the Jiu Jitsu club and contact a person to see if we could go together to a gym. Both replied. Now I feel like I don’t want to, but I will have to force myself to do this. I can not have the same life as before, it will kill me. I can not let that happen. I just can not.

Struggling for words to find, for things to do, for things to keep myself occupied. Struggling to sort out all the stuff I have, to see what can go away and what I really want to keep. Should I keep my books from University? I don’t know. Should I keep the guitar I never play on? (but honestly: I can’t – guitars and me don’t really get along somehow, but anyway I don’t really play instruments anymore).For sure I will do some clothes away, I have a lot of old stuff that I didn’t wear for over a year. For sure I will do some video games away, onces I don’t really like and never play. For sure I will have to do some of my notes away, since there are so many and I don’t want other people to find or read them. My old (and broken) cellphones, I decided to give them away to charity, since they get money for recycling them. I couldn’t sell them anyway. But they only want the phones, not the chargers. So what do I do with the chargers? Just throw them away? They are good. These are not really difficult questions, but in times like these, they just make my head spin.


I need to find a way. I just need to. Find a way. Find a way. Find a way. Find a way. …


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