Outside, the sky turned dark. It’s the middle of the day, and in the distance I hear thunder. I stare out of the window and think: another day. Another day without purpose. And I need to keep myself busy with things.
It’s a week and a few days now since I’m ‘back’. I know I’m not the same person as before, that things change and things can be different now. Though I feel like I have to be very careful with what I do (or don’t do). The depression monster is always lurking around the corner and the relapses too. I don’t want these things anymore.
I’m still working at rearranging and organizing and sorting out my stuff. It’s a terribly slow process. But I guess I’m working on it and that’s what counts right now, even when it doesn’t go as I wish it would. Andl I visited a friend in the weekend where I stayed overnight. It was nice so far, but this friend has a completely different rhythm than I have, and sometimes I doubt about things because I prefer a bit of a different rhythm. She stays up late in weekends, so I stayed up untill 2 am, and spend most of the time on the couch and not really doing anything. She has a very busy life with work so she needs to have these nothing days. But every day is like a nothing day for me. And waking up so late and staying up in the night is not really a good thing for me to do.
It’s something I find sometimes difficult to find a balance in, I don’t want to say that it’s a bad thing, but it can easily get me on the road to depression and messing things up again. She also said I should come more often, which might be good but makes me doubt sometimes. And I feel almost like a parasite; I don’t have so much money to spend, and it will costs me train fares to get there. Also probably she will pay all the food and drinks and I don’t really like that. I don’t want to, but I can not afford this more expensive living style really, just buying all the food and drinks you want (She spends a lot more on food – often these fresh ready meals). I know it’s not an issue for her, and I would be the same when things where the other way, but I don’t want to be a parasite or look like one.
Now it’s a weekday again. Weekday means that offices are open and you can arrange things. I have three things I kind of ‘should’ do this week. One is something I dread. Make an appointment and see if there is a way to get on benefits. This situation can not go on. I’m living of my savings for 1,5 years now, I will run out of money in some time and I’m trapped, and can’t do much this way. Last week I did a job application, but it’s just 1 job and there are a lot of unemployed people. And less vacancies that suit me or where I don’t miss too much requirements.
The other two are probably ‘nothing’, but it;s for me hard to do it. They both have to do with exercise. One is that I found out there are Jiu Jitsu classes nearby. I practised it a few years , years back, and I liked it a lot. It’s not very expensive and just one evening a week and not too far away. The other one is maybe going to a gym for the rest of the workout. This gym is way less expensive than the one I used to go before, but a bit further away. I have a hard time to spend money on things, but exercise is important for me and it’s helpful to beat depression and pass the times and keep a bit of a structure in life.
And maybe there is a fourth one – what if, what if they call me about the job for which I applied? What am I going to say? How should I react? What if they want to speak to me? How should I dress? And so on. it’s stupid, because how big is the chance that I will be invited, but what if..? I just don’t want to keep messing things up.