So soon, a relapse.

5 days. It’s 5 days ago exactly I have returned to my past life. Just 5. It looks like 5 years.I know pretty sure that I don’t want to be here, or not stay here. But i don’t know where my place is. I don’t know what to do when you have nothing. Why would things work out in other countries when i can not even make it in the country where I was born?

For a couple of days I was okay, but now, right now, I’m not fine. This intense loneliness is coming back and the frustrations. The endless days. Ticking of the clock. Seconds looking minutes, minutes looking hours, hours looking days and so on.
Why am I here? (because I have nowhere else to go). Brave reason, brave reason.
There is something else that is connected to this what I want to avoid: depression, anxiety, the usual crap. I don’t want to slip away so badly again. It takes so much energy and it is so hard to get out of it, and before you know you have lost five years.

I wish I had money. Then i would just buy a small house abroad, and move. I don’t need a lot, all I want is just food, a bit travelling, and live somewhere. I will grow my own stuff as far as I can, and I want to have a few people around. Is that too much too ask? I don’t want to go on cruise holidays, I don’t need 5 star hotels, I don’t need to go to the most expensive places in the world. I don’t need gucci or prada or gold or whatever kind of expensive clothes or jewelry or whatever. I don’t need a superfancy deluxe car, I don’t need to go to the hairdresser 2 times a week. All I want, is a place where I can be. Where I’m welcome. Where I’m allowed. Where i can do. Where people don’t judge. Where I am connected.

I miss. so much.
I’m sad. so much.
Just now. I hope just now.

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