In one of my recent posts I wrote about certain things bothering me and that I don’t know what to do.
One of those things is the messed up situation being without a job or any form of income or benefits.
I didn’t apply for a job for a long time, just because I couldn’t due to the thunderstorms in my head and the everlasting depressions, the pressure and I never fit in the requirements they ask.
Yesterday, I came across a job where the requirements didn’t scare me off and where my first thought was ‘hm, I could do that..’. I stared and stared and stared at the vacancy, and somehow decided I should apply for it. That happened more often, I see a job and stare at it, but usually this flow of thoughts take over; they don’t want you, they want cool people and people who are better and you are too depressed and messed up for that and too old and don’t have the right experience and so on, and on, and on. But somehow, with continuing staring at this vacancy, I did not get these thoughts, nor did I get awful feelings. I still thought, I could manage this job. It’s not a fulltime job (I would have a hard time to manage that right now – maybe later again, so that is one thing that I’m really happy about), the requirements didn’t seem too bad – I could find myself in all of them and somehow the company seems nice too. So I started working on my cv, which went well, but then I got stuck in the letter I had to write. Shit. Alarm. This is a point where it can go wrong.
But then, I decided to call one of my friends. One who told me before that if I need help with this kind of stuff, I should contact her. She is very good in this kind of stuff, but she is very busy since her job asks a lot of time and she has quite a social life, BUT she had / made time to help me out the same evening.
And so she helped me write the letter. I showed her the vacancy, and she asked me what I wrote down already and she helped me to form the sentences better and order and key points to write in the letter.(Maybe I should be ashamed of this, that I can not manage to write a letter myself, I don’t know, maybe not. Anyway I just couldn’t find anything to say about myself or let the things I could say look good, and with her help things started to make sense and a the shape and contents of a letter appeared.) It’s clear that I choose my words way more carefully then she does, but I decided to make a combination and choose a bit more of her style, not the withdrawn, supercareful style I usually have. She managed to get a good job and worked hard for it and it just going and going and going. She’s doing great and I’m proud of her. She’s kind of the complete opposite of me in almost every way you can imagine. But I’m very grateful, for her help. And I am grateful that she is one of the very few friends I have – I know when I’m in serious trouble, I can count on her. Sometimes our friendship makes me doubt since she doesn’t understand everything and has a complete different view on the world or how certain things should go, but I guess that is not a particular bad thing and people can be very different and be friends. Maybe these things are caused by my over-over-over thinking of things. I finished the letter and send the application. The first one in a long time. It made me feel a bit proud of myself for a while. Of course this doesn’t say or guarantee anything and it’s just a small thing, but the fact I was able to move in something that is really hard for me gave a bit of hope, in a certain way.
Another thing is I guess could be called a small victory was that I went to the doctor this morning. I’ve been on meds for my heart and bloodpressure for six months now and I’ve seen abroad a few different doctors and they all said conflicting and different things. I didn’t know who to believe, and I was scared that maybe I would have a heartdisease or condition and I would die or get more nasty things. (I’ve already had a lot of health crap and I get really anxious when I have to see a doctor, I know I shouldn’t but it happens and it’s hard for me to control this). So I called to make an appointment and in an hour there was a spot. Anxious I cycled there, but on the way my anxiety decreased a bit. I showed him all my papers, all the records I’ve made from my heartrate and bloodpressure and he told me that there is nothing to worry about and I can stop with this medication. He explained to me that its normal and okay to have a bloodpressure that goes up and down and that mine was not extraordinary high, and normal for when you are at a doctor (when I kept track of it myself it was always low, and somehow when the doctor meassured it it was much higher – because of tension, thus the doctor). He explained that it was more preventive, but that it reduced the change of heart attack or something like that with maybe 1% and that I was not in a risk group for that. There are two meds I have to build off slowly, due to side effects, but within a week I should be completely medication free. I felt relieved and happy for a while.
Also another thing made me feel happy today, is that I spoke to the person I met abroad and I love very much, and that person will come to visit me in January here :). I can’t wait. I hope to be able to pay a visit earlier, because I really miss her and I felt so good being with her. I never thought that this could happen to me again and she is just so nice and I can not find the right words to describe her but I am really happy with her. It’s also the first time in my life that I have these feelings to someone of the same sex, which is a bit confusing in some ways, but, when I’m with her none of those things seem to matter anymore. Though I am not sure how to behave to the outside world, since it’s still a bit difficult or unaccepted or however you should call it. I guess today is a good day for me. I have still a lot of work to do, but for a long time I never thought these everlasting depressions, and this dysthymia would let me live peacefully or let me feel things or happiness again. Not even for short moments. But the last couple of months, these feelings and times were there.