Fragments of inner conflicts

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Another sunrise,

I look out of my window

Sitting on my bed alone,

no matter what I try, no matter what I do, no matter what I think,

inside of me there is emptiness

because i miss you.

 

I never thought I could love again, I never thought I could feel happy – even temporary happiness seemed not possible anymore. Everyday, I ask myself why am I here, why am I not with you? What should I do with my life? These questions, and directionless, I float in this world of the past, questioning myself like a devil’s advocate.

Your life seems stable, way more stable then mine. Your life seems with purpose, filled with a support system, filled with paths, with plans, with a future. And I know that even if these things are there, life isn’t easy for you neither and you have struggles too. But this contrast is sometimes messing up in my head.I’m someone who is lost, who can not find a way in life, who can not deal with life, who can not take care of herself – I don’t have income and I don’t know how to solve this (I know, this sounds stupid, but finding a job is not so easy for me and I don’t believe in benefits; they turned me down when I really needed help so why the hell should anyone still help me?) And so much more things spinning in my head. I so would love to have a bit of a job that doesn’t drive me crazy (What if someday someone forces me to work in a factory and do the same movements second after second, without moving, without thinking, it would kill me inside, I really tried it before, but if anyone forces me to do anything like that, something else inside me dies too – don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for people who can do this kind of work- but I just can’t). What the hell am I doing in this country again? The place where the sky is grey, where everyone around seems to be moving, but I’m stuck in the gutter and where I feel like I’m a monster, because I can not seem to deal with life here.

Can I feel happy? Can I do things that makes me happy? Even if they might be different from the main stream? It doesn’t feel that way, since a lot of people point fingers, call you lazy and stupid, but things are not so black and white.

I’ve learned a lot the last time and I don’t want to be a machine – there is more in life than work- I worked before very hard and many hours, there was a time I started at 4.00 in the morning and came home at 23.00 in the evening, when I worked 3 jobs, it was crazy, and where did it bring me? Where did all these years of hard working got me? Into unemployment, into feelings of worthlessness, into someone who is on earth but doesnt seem to deserve a place.

Is work and status so much more important than humanity? Do people really want other people to feel bad because of they dont have a job or cant find a job and do they really wish bad things to the other and blame them for not being able to be part of that system?

I dont want to be a part of a world like that. It’s crazy. It’s sick. I care about wellbeing of people, animals, living things, about a lot, but I can’t find words to describe. I’m not a cold , not caring person, like some people used to say about me- no, I ‘ve been captured in apathy sometimes, in depression, in despair. Does that make me a monster?

And now, I saw something beautiful in life, something I never expected to happen, things have different sides too and things are not particularly easy;

What if you love someone who is so much the opposite of you? What if you’re the lost and mess up, and the other is stable?

When do you love someone? When are you in love with someone?

How far do you go, for someone you love? How much do you change for someone you love? Will you leave everything behind for someone you love? When do you change your plans for someone? What is more important for you? A person you love, or your personal wants? If you even know your personal wants. What should you do when you don’t know exactly who you are or what you want?

And I could continue like this for hours.

These questions are impossible.

Life is impossible.

I, am impossible.

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