The future is back in the past ?

7 am. Light shows up at the corners of the curtain. Well, actually, the light showed up before, I just opened my eyes. The ticking of a clock with a familiar sound, but from the past. I open the curtain. I stare at a tree, one I did see before, but didn’t see the last 6 months. I recognize the bed, because it’s actually mine.
The bed from my childhood, but it’s the only bed I have. I look around. This is a room where I spend a lot of time, but I haven’t seen it for at least 6 months.

It’s quiet. I feel weird. I wasn’t supposed to be back here so quickly. But how much options do I have – living at the street is not so easy.

There is one very important something missing. He’s not hopping around. My rabbit. He died unexpectedly last week. One week before I came back. It’s empty. His cage is standing outside in the rain. The last traces of him. Leftover food, little hay. No trace of him. He’s gone. Buried in the garden of this place. A few tears stream down my face. Did he miss me? Did he thought that I abandoned him? I was looking forward to see him again. But now, he’s gone. And he is not the only one that died in the past few weeks.

Death is something weird. I don’t get it. It’s so real and unreal at the same time. I don’t know if I’m afraid for it or not. But I know for sure that I’m more afraid to lose people I love than to lose myself.
It’s so cruel. To see the pain. To feel the pain. One second can change so much. One heartbeat missed – why does a heart decide to stop beating? When does it decide? I don’t know how to write or what to say. There are thousands of things in my head I’ve been wanting to write before but without a computer or internet it was not possible somehow. Yeah, I do have a notebook and a pen, but somehow it’s not the same. Probably things will appear in weird parts and pieces, that don’t make sence in the order they will appear. But I can’t do much else, not at this moment. A mirror broken into many pieces, and every piece is in a different place.

I’m back in the world from the past. But this world is not the same. And I’m not the same.

( And so, this -I guess- means -I guess- I’m back. )


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