And so, I ended up in hospital (again). And I don’t know what is wrong with me, since nothing serious came out. First I was so lucky to get an injection with antibiotics in my ass, and was put on some oxygen mixed with I-dont-know-exactly-what and had to come back later for X-rays and blood tests.
And so I got back, from this hospital, which was a bit frightening because almost no one speaks English or another foreign language I can speak and my language here is way from sufficient to get along especially in hospitals. Anyway, I was more than happy to discover that the doctor I had to see spoke English. By now I can understand the results they print here of blood testing since I had so many of them lately and they give it to you before going to the doctor, so I looked at it and saw that there was not much going on. I had that before, when I felt really sick and nothing came out of the blood tests. What? Why the heck do I feel so weak and sick then? Is it really all in my head? It makes me doubt my sanity- am I going crazy? Am I making problems that are not there? Am I such a wussy?
Anyway, according to the doctor it is probably an ‘ allergic reaction’. And now, I feel half ashamed. I felt ashamed the moment I looked at the results and knew that the doctor would tell me that nothing is wrong. Though I haven’t been feeling good for several weeks and it was just not getting better.
I don’t know, I am starting to doubt myself. I have no power to get out of this shit and things are not getting better. I want(ed)? to work on myself, get stronger, physically and mentally, find a way in life, experience things in life, work on things, but the complete opposite seems to happen. I find myself more and more depressed and seeing no way out of this. Giving up on myself. I’m really giving up on myself.
I’m sleepwalking in a nightmare. I am not alive, not awake, I don’t know what I am.
I can’t live, and I can’t die.
Argh. (this is just a very, very, very weak expression from how I actually feel)