Under fire

And so, I ended up in hospital (again). And I don’t know what is wrong with me, since nothing serious came out. First I was so lucky to get an injection with antibiotics in my ass, and was put on some oxygen mixed with I-dont-know-exactly-what and had to come back later for X-rays and blood tests.

And so I got back, from this hospital, which was a bit frightening because almost no one speaks English or another foreign language I can speak and my language here is way from sufficient to get along especially in hospitals. Anyway, I was more than happy to discover that the doctor I had to see spoke English. By now I can understand the results they print here of blood testing since I had so many of them lately and they give it to you before going to the doctor, so I looked at it and saw that there was not much going on. I had that before, when I felt really sick and nothing came out of the blood tests. What? Why the heck do I feel so weak and sick then? Is it really all in my head? It makes me doubt my sanity- am I going crazy? Am I making problems that are not there? Am I such a wussy?

Anyway, according to the doctor it is probably an ‘ allergic reaction’. And now, I feel half ashamed. I felt ashamed the moment I looked at the results and knew that the doctor would tell me that nothing is wrong. Though I haven’t been feeling good for several weeks and it was just not getting better.

I don’t know, I am starting to doubt myself. I have no power to get out of this shit and things are not getting better.  I want(ed)? to work on myself, get stronger, physically and mentally, find a way in life, experience things in life, work on things, but the complete opposite seems to happen. I find myself more and more depressed and seeing no way out of this. Giving up on myself. I’m really giving up on myself.

I’m sleepwalking in a nightmare. I am not alive, not awake, I don’t know what I am.

I can’t live, and I can’t die.

Argh. (this is just a very, very, very weak expression from how I actually feel)

 

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10 thoughts on “Under fire

      • The poetry you’re writing at the moment is just … breathtaking. Really, really excellent. I hope you can hang onto that.

        I hope you can hang on, full stop! Despite the horror.

        XX

      • It’s OK 🙂 Just so long as you hear me when I tell you that you’re valued, that you have real skill, that you matter. And – you don’t have to write a reply to this comment! just let it be, maybe. Let it be, and know it’s true.

  1. Things will get better eventually. No days are always exactly alike. As long as you are alive, you have the potential to improve. You can do it! I agree, please don’t give up on yourself. You are far to special to let yourself fade away. Hang in there!

    • Thanks. I hope they do. Sometimes, everything seems to slip away when you try so hard to change things, and I guess it is hard to keep faith when that happens. I don’t know. I;’m not sure if I could speak of being alive, I feel like I’m not alive and not dead, but something in between. I don’t feel like I’m special, all I can see at this moment is how much I keep failing in things and how much messed up I am.

      • That is a tough place to be, in a land of limbo. Sometimes alive is more of a state of being than a feeling, sadly. Everyone messes up and makes mistakes. Point me to a perfect person and we can call him God. As cliche as it sounds, every one is special. Some would respond with the idea that if everyone is special then no one is actually special. I disagree. Every individual is different. Each person brings something unique to this world that no one else can bring. You are someone that no one else will ever be. You are you. You have individual feelings, perspectives, and opinions. You have the ability to impact others in ways that some cannot. You have a purpose. You are very unique. I tell my sister all the time that she is amazing and the world needs to see what she has to offer, because it indeed is life changing. I believe this is true for everyone. Some of us take longer learning how to let it shine. Some seem born with the ability to gleam through the darkness. Either way, the world needs every person put on this planet, for we are all different, unique, and truly amazing.

        I can’t speak for you, but from my experience you sound numb. Limbo, numb, – they are hard places to be. Hope you are able to find your way out soon, and that you don’t mind the essay I wrote in your comment section. 🙂

  2. 😦
    What can I say?
    Repeating always the same things, it’s frustrating.
    I’m just happy that nothing serious came out.

    • Thanks. I guess I should be happy too that nothing serious came out, but it’s just annoying and confusing that there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong and that things seem to be so intense. … If you can not even trust yourself……..what or who can you?it’s so messed up. The human body and mind are complex things for sure, but it’s not helpful when you seem to be healthy while you feel so sick and such…

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