Is it real?

Okay, let’s face it; I’m not feeling so good. Probably this insomnia that is still going on isn’t helping either, I went to see a doctor to get some pills but – they don’t do anything, so I end up the same: not sleeping in the night.

I feel useless, lost, unsupported, and I feel like there is no place left to go and nothing left to do. There is no reason to get out of bed, and no one misses me anyway. Have I been living with an illusion? That these changes would help me out of the world of nothing and create something like a life? I guess so.

There is not really work to do and all I actually am is some new decoration in this place that sometimes moves. I can not find any connection in this place here, nor can I find my place at work, since there is nothing to do really (Why did they even ‘wanted’ me to come? I don’t get it.)  And often lately, there is not even a computer that I can use since the other employees (it’s always a surprise when they are here and when not, it’s not structured and regularly but lately they are all here regularly somehow), so I just sit outside alone and try to ‘ do something’, but since there isn’t something it ends up in nothing. I try to learn the language a bit and try to find something to do but it is not so easy. I also don’t feel comfortable somehow talking about this since I never can find the right time or space to do so. The times I tried got always disturbed somehow and I don’t feel that it’s taken seriously. How am I supposed to behave? What am I supposed to do? I don’t understand it.

Also I try to look back on these three months I am here now and what did I actually do or achieve? Nothing. I went to a couple of trainings, away from here, which were I guess the best. Unfortunately I can not go to them often since to some financial funding issue and I guess I was lucky I was able to go to a few. In this place isn’t so much to do and the transport functions the way that you can not really go somewhere in one day – the places you can, I’ve been so many times now I don’t know what to do there anymore.

I stopped running, since it is somehow to heavy and I feel ashamed of myself, that I have so much trouble with it. It doesn’t feel comfortable, I hate it when people notice me and watch me in some way. I want to be invisible. This week I managed to cycle again until now every day, but that is just one or two hours from a whole day- at least 22 hours of a day left to fill. Cycling isn’t easy either. These mountains and hills ask a mental strength I don’t have. That is what I noticed and learned; my body can do more than I think it can. The problem is in my head.

I’m having more and more trouble to face ‘ a new day’ . For what purpose? I suppose I could go back to the country where I used to live, but then again, what is there for me? And what can I offer there? Nothing. I will have no income when I go back and have to move in with my parents, since I can not afford anything myself, I will not have anything to do either. Also, I will lose my current temporary health insurance and food coverage and such which are covered by the program I am in. So somewhere it does not seem to be an option, to go back. But I need change, I guess. I have been thinking that maybe I should move to Sarajevo, since that is a more crowded place and much more things to do, and also much more transport options. Buttttt, how can I find work in Sarajevo and a place to live? How can I go there with staying in this current program without losing the health insurance and food and a place? I am afraid I can not. I feel trapped.

I feel so drained and exhausted. Really, I have been trying so hard to adapt to ‘ the world’ , to try to make new friends, to find connection, to find something to do. But I ended up overwhelmed and feeling depressed again. What the hell do I do wrong all the time?Am I really that useless? Am I really that fucked up? Is there really no place in the world for me where I can do something?  Is there really no place in the world where I can live, just have a roof above my head, can sleep and can pass time a bit nicely? Am I really such a loser?
What the hell is wrong with me and why can’t I find solutions or just things that make it better for once?