Did I get lost again?

….or did I never found a way?

This change of my life – the moving abroad, ‘ starting’  something else, going to a place where no one knows me and I am distant from all the previous things ‘ connected’  to my life – ……………silence.

I wish I could express better but I can not find words nor sentences nor can I draw or sing (but then again never ask me to sing!) or show or whatever how one could or can express – I just can’t.

I don;t know if this is facing reality or facing truth again or that I am caught in another prison of depression what tricks my mind and captures my soul (if I even have it) and things are getting complicated and I guess all these things are starting to affect my physical health – I assume these things are causing my health troubles lately. Does this mean I’m in danger? Does this mean that I’m dying? Does this mean that there is something even worse going to happen to me if I can not stop this?

But then again, I don’t know how to stop this. I can not find my way. I can not find a way. I do not even know who I am. What I want. What I like. Drifting away, and more and more.

I see the shore, I’m floating in the see. It does not matter how hard I try to reach the shore, something will never allow me to reach it. No matter what I do, how long I try, how much I try. There is something. A something that is hard to define. But it’s there.

Where does this end?
What is an end?
And even if it’s this…

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6 thoughts on “Did I get lost again?

  1. I hoped this move could help you a little.
    And especially that your health could be better. And okay, it’s a stupid thing but I thought that your bike could help you to free, just a little, your mind and your health. Or maybe it’s just a very heavy, black and negative period because “relapses” will always come even if probably we never see high peaks

    • Maybe there are never high peaks in our lives. Anyway it seems to be always a bit below the surface. Like when you are trapped under ice. Seeing the light, but this layer prevents you from reaching the air. I had hopes as well, but somehow hopes seem to be illusions in the end. I guess this whole health thing is caused by these struggles, the bad feelings and such. Its going on for such a long time and I don’t get a break from them and can not escape them and there comes a point it’s going to affect the body I guess. I wouldn’t be surprised if my life is shortened a lot due to all those issues.

      I wanted to cycle way more and run more, but I am too drained and exhausted and I can not manage somehow. I can not find the power in myself. I just lack it. So I don’t know, but maybe it doesn’t matter where I go and what I do, I will never get out of this trap.At a certain point, you seem to run out of options. I’m just exhausted and I don’t know what to do anymore.

      • Of course I’ve always thought it’s not matter what you do or what you have, but what you are. So, every time we try to change our life or anyway just try to get something a little better, our real character came out. And it’s our collapse. And every time it’s always worse because we are always more tired and exhausted.
        I can’t know what you need to feel better. I mean, has this new experience abroad better something about your life? Would you redo this choice? You know, from my point of view you have been immense and I just try admiration. Clearly it counts nothing and sometimes I feel ridiculous trying to give advice when my life is a disaster. And not just now, but since always.
        If one day you pass through here, we can go to Vatican and ask a miracle for us. Even if probably if I go into a church, I catch fire 🙂
        A hug.

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