Yesterday evening I went out for a ride again. It was a bit cold and there was a lot of wind and my legs still felt tired and exhausted thanks to the weekend rides. But I thought (hoped) this would help to feel okay for a moment, like the other times I went for a ride and felt good, and help me to fall asleep as well since I have troubles sleeping. The ride up was terrible, I had a hard time getting up and had to walk again. It made me feel ashamed for the people who passed with their cars. What would they think? But that shouldn’t play any role, and yet it does, a bit. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel ashamed when I can’t keep up, that I failed in life so much, that I don’t have talents, when other people pass me so easily with whatever and are always better and succeed and I fail and keep failing and with this see me cycling with a speed you can not even call a speed and having such a hard time. Is my condition so bad? I felt my heart beating so fast…very fast, though I couldn’t measure it since I don’t have a heart rate monitor (yet, but it will come soon I hope when the mail is not too slow, since I wasn’t able to find one over here).
Another explosion of thoughts and doubts in my head about my health, my heart, my condition, my perseverance (which I don’t seem to have huh) and I gave up. Yeah, I stepped of the bike, stood there staring into the distance for a while, cursing myself, and I drank some water, put on my helmet, turned around, for the downhill ride. I didn’t push myself. I couldn’t push myself. I just gave up. Simple as that.
The ride / flight down was good, it went very fast, terrifying speeds again, maybe I could have gone faster but there is more traffic and that is hard to hear with the wind and those speeds, and I don’t have the trust with this bike (and breaks) yet to do so.
I came home, feeling good for a moment, but somehow it passed so fast. And then. I saw myself in the mirror, and for a while, I kept staring at myself, like I never saw myself before. And I can’t help it, but I felt so ugly, and I found myself so ugly. Another failure. But even if I want to change, I have no idea how. And if I change the way I look, it doesn’t feel like me. But what do I feel? And how does ‘ me’ feel? I don’t know. Confusion again. And I blame myself for not knowing who I am and what I want and what I like and not having dreams and motivation and not having perseverance to achieve anything. Gosh, sometimes I really suck.