Cruel distance / Distance saviour

Sometimes, or maybe even I should say ” often”, distance, is a word with a certain level of importance for me, even if it’s just a word. There are several words with this level of importance for me, even if they are just words and no matter how bad you want, sometimes they stay just ‘ static’ words and never cover the actual message, feeling or whatever you would like to transfer.

Distance, is a thing that often helps me to survive, to be able to deal with life, or with situations, or with people, and also, help to understand things and the world around me. Distance creates a different view, and in general I could say it helps me.

But at the same time, distance is a cruel thing. It somehow makes these barriers that it makes impossible to enjoy, to feel happiness, to feel connected, to have these connections to other people. Somehow at this point, the disconnection bothers me the most. Feeling disconnected is , expressed weakly, not so nice.

Sometimes, if there is a connection, which is something that does not happen easily and often, there is a need to break it, and put distance in between. I can not say I always like that, since this is one of the cruel forms of distance the way I see it, but, even if it is not a nice thing, it is necessary sometimes. Necessary to protect yourself.

In the previous time I had to create a kind of distance and disconnection to a person/persons. Even with the fact I have a lot of struggles with myself and usually blame myself and such, with this/these situation(s), I know it was the right thing to do to – protect- myself.

For a long time, I used (but felt like I had to) distance to create this barrier between the most people and me. Just very few people were allowed to see a part of the real me, or I shared things with that I don’t do often. Very, very few. And even in that, you sometimes make mistakes, or believe or want to believe the ‘ hopefull thoughts’ but sometimes it ends up very painful.

There are people with who you can feel deeply connected with. I can feel very deeply connected to people, it is something that I find very hard to explain. I never really loved someone in a physical way but I guess there is a kind of ‘ falling in love with the soul’. I don’t know how to express it properly and if this is even a right way of, but I can not express it in a better way at this point. Sometimes it even happens with people I don’t really know, but there is something that creates this deeply connection or affection to someone, which is hard to explain. Anyway, it does not happen very often, just rarely. But most of those ‘ very rarely moments’ , those people are so far away from me. I will never be close to them or they will never – or maybe i should say- it is most unlikely, they will become friends. Because somehow there is always something that creates this distance or impossibility to ‘ connect’  or ‘ get closer’  or ‘ become friends’ or whatever.

Anyway, I don’t know where I want to go with this post, I just felt like writing since it is bothering me today.

But maybe its not so bad that those people never get too close. Often, it ends up with hurt  in the end one way or another, or something happens that damages your trust or damages truth*. And so sometimes the only thing to do is no matter how much you feel for someone, all you can do is create distance.

*Truth, is another word that has a lot of importance for me – and yeah what is truth, I can not easily answer that question, but truth is, as things are now, maybe the most important thing in my life  (maybe I’m wrong in that, but that is how it seems to be now.)

Somehow I still love certain of those very few people in a certain way, but, I created this distance. To protect myself. And partly to protect them. Sometimes, it’s not good to be in touch with someone since it doesn’t work out for one of the two (or something else). No matter how much you love someone. Sometimes, the best thing is to get distance. Or best thing….I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing actually.

Sometimes I think about these things. Sometimes I still feel hurt and bad about situations related to this. Sometimes it is hard to say how things really are.

And, other people can make me doubt so much and with their words, what they say,they can touch something in my core, that makes me doubt my sanity somehow, and if I see things right. They affect my feelings. And it ends up with more doubt. Did I do the right thing? Am I not the one who sees things wrong? And so on. But somehow, you never know how things exactly. Because you can always look at them at so many different ways and such. And it just messes up so much inside of me.

Normally, it always ends up that I blame myself, that I think I am the one who is wrong, and such. Am I that messed up that I am really always the one who is wrong? I know my self esteem is not much, but , is it worth of it to let other people have this large role in the way I see things, that i always end up almost believing their view on things? I am afraid not. Deep inside I know I guess, but, somehow I just don’t have the faith in myself or am not strong enough to stand my ground. If they start talking, defending, explaining, or whatever, my feelings get mixed up and I get trapped into this messy, chaotic prison of mixed feelings .And I have no idea how to find a way out of this maze. This is complex to me. But I do know, that sometimes, and lately I make that happen, I have to protect myself, or maybe sometimes even the other person, by creating that distance. Even if it hurts, it is a necessary thing to continue. But it is….I don’t know. It never gets easy somehow.

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9 thoughts on “Cruel distance / Distance saviour

  1. This post is so full of emotion. It sounds like you are hurting. Distance is an interesting idea. Some distance of course can help us feel safe. If we don’t let anyone in, we can’t get hurt. That also removes us from the possibility of good in relationships.

    People are scary sometimes. In truth though, you have much to offer the world. When we shut ourselves off from others, we are removing the opportunity to influence the world in anyway, good or bad. No doubt you have much to offer the world. Let it shine!

    Sometimes distance may be necessary. Only you can make that call of course. Hopefully I understood correctly what you have said here. Especially since you had so much good to say. Distance is a tricky thing and something I certainly have not even skimmed the surface of perfecting. Good luck to you as you perfect your level of distance. Enjoyed reading your thoughts!

    • Thanks for your words. I appreciate them a lot. Yeah, things are hurting a lot at this moment, maybe more than I would like to admit. It comes and goes, but lately somehow a lot of feelings are there, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I have so much time to over think life. Honestly, I don’t know if I have anything to offer to the world. I’m doubting about that a lot and somehow I rather hide myself more and more slowly since I feel I am useless and I can not function somehow. Thoughts about ‘ quitting everything’ often pass through my mind. I don’t know what part of me can shine – it feels like everything is dead inside of me. My motivations, dreams, the things that would give me (longer lasting) energy, they don’t work out anymore. But since a while, if not all the time and if they even were there. Also, somehow, there are these thoughts that I don’t deserve it since I don’t contribute to the world, that it goes so rough all the time and blablabla. I try to observe how it goes with others, but somehow I think there is something I miss. Oh well, I don’t know. I don’t even know if what I write now makes sense. It’s messy in my head. I know in my heart the distance that is bothering me is necessary, but at the same time it kind of breaks my heart. Guess that’s ‘ just’ a fight between heart and brain.

      • The fight between what the heart feels and what the mind believes can be strenuous at the least. Hopefully you understand that every individual has something to offer someone, and that includes you of course. Sorry you are experiencing so much pain. Hope you can work out some of the inner battle soon. Also, what you have written here absolutely makes sense. In my opinion, you could also use a hug.

    • Thank you, I am going to print out your post and try it out. I haven’t done it before and I am not so into meditation at all, but I will definitely give it a shot. Thanks again for giving me some words back, they are much appreciated.

      • My friend, you’re most welcome 🙂 Good luck. Perhaps I used the word ‘meditation’ wrong – it’s more a visualization, I guess. Anyway, it really helped me after a member of my family who lives interstate just obliterated me with an email on Friday. Our family members can hurt us so much, can’t they? Good luck.

  2. You know, putting distance is a thing that I do too.
    It’s always difficult to explain reasons about this behavior, because it’s a thing so embedded in the soul that it’s sounds as if it’s into your DNA.
    Maybe it’s just fear. Getting closer means vulnerability and since everything doesn’t last forever then you could pay that “getting closer”.
    So, present connections are future scars.
    And too often I feel like a cadaver used by medical students for their experiments.

    • You’ve said that well- as if its into your DNA. I don’t know if it’s fear. It can be so many things I guess and it’s so hard to say how it really is like. I often do not know what to do with it or how to deal with it. And even if you do somewhere, then it feels so awful and then that messes up and these hurricanes of thoughts come up again. Never ending stories.

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