So. After a lot of weeks full of doubts, somehow I finally managed to make a decision, or something that looked like one. Because this week, I acted. I bought a bike.
Before, I spend hours and hours thinking and doubting if I should buy a bike or a laptop, or something else or maybe nothing at all. Somehow first I was about to get a laptop, I actually went to the shop with money for one but the one I thought was the most suitable and best priced for me was not in stock and I ended up not buying any laptop and so there came a hurricane of doubts again. The easiest way was to just buy both perhaps, but that was too much money for me now. I could have, but it wouldn’t be wise. I know I am going to run out of money someday which I suspect in a year, maybe two, probably. Depending on how much I spend, but I have some travel plans and there are things I want to do now I’m here, and I decided after all those years of misery, and the fact that I really worked hard in the past but never got too much money somehow , that I deserve some good times and for once, I can do what I want to do, no matter what other people think I should do. (That sounds strong, it is still a struggle sometimes to deal with that actually and I feel guilty sometimes about that, so yeah, it’s a bit easy spoken this way, easier then it is in reality)
But I started thinking. Without internet at my place, what much joy would I have with the laptop?I would be able to write offline, watch pictures, listen music, charge my mp3 player…but… I would spend more time inside, hiding myself, and just sitting. The bike seemed better in the end, since it is getting me out, I can work on my condition and health and such, and, I have a form of transport which hopefully could lead to easier getting around.
I did some searching, and finally found a decent bike in a shop in the closest nearby city. (Somehow I have some requirements for everything I buy, even for simple things like socks or a toothbrush. And I could have bought a bike here too but it was too small and I didn’t like it and it was a lot cheaper, but I guess sometimes having requirements for things isn’t necessarily a bad thing.) Well I spend a bit more money than I was planning too, but I did it. There were a lot of ‘ but how” things, like for instance how would I even get the bike here? The distance is not too far (say 45 – 50 km) but the road is really uphill since there are mountains here and they are not simply a piece of cake to handle on a bike – I am not sure if I can do it. You also don’t see many people on bikes here, say as good as zero, well, there are cyclists, but not on those roads. I have never seen one in the two months I am here.
Yesterday, the bike got here with some transport service, which wasn’t expensive at all. I was happy. But then I discovered that the fore wheel was not really going straight. And then, I started to feel bad, and thought, can things ever go right for once? Why is there something wrong with this bike? Why didn’t I check it better? Why didn’t I notice this? Or maybe this happened with the transport? How do I get it back to the shop? Will they even help me with it or do they say it’s own risk and have to fix it myself and such and blablabla?Because HOW do I get it back to the shop? I don’t know if I can manage to cycle the road to the shop to get it there. And the transport service, I don’t have their phone number, and I don’t speak the language etc.etc. And can I just go back to the shop or should I call? And all these kind of doubts and questions which are maybe stupid, but they occupied my mind and got me down …
I felt so bad, that I went to sleep. For a couple of hours I slept, I woke up and thought: okay, this is real, things didn’t change, I have to deal with this somehow. I still felt bad. But then somehow I thought: It is kind of sad actually when we are dissapointed when things don’t seem to function the way we wish or are a bit different the way we wished for. Why does it have to be perfect anyway? I am a failure, but does that mean I am totally useless and I don’t deserve love? (This question is easier to answer for other people, but yeah) I am not perfect. I am a failure. And then I felt sorry for the bike (maybe that is weird, but I just felt that way). Damaged things have beauty too. In some ways I like the damaged, not perfect things better then …. even if I have a lot of requirements for certain things, but maybe, also not and that is just a part of me that tries to be perfect because somehow I think I will be accepted or more connected to life if I don’t do anything wrong and such, but maybe that is not correct.
And then the sun came out. I made some food, made some pasta with avocado and strawberries, drank some water and went out, with my bike. I choose the less hilliest road. Yeah, the front wheel wasn’t too straight, but hey, it rides. Did it bother me too much? Not too bad I think.
The trip was great. Especially downhill. The road is the most beautiful road nearby here, I like to walk there was well, but with the bike it’s even nicer. The wind through my hair, along my face. The sound of the speed and the bike. Riding next to the river, a less crowded road. For a moment, I forgot all my sorrows. Yeah, since a long time, I enjoyed something for a moment. Or maybe it was not enjoying, I am not sure. But alive, is a better word.
I came home. Turned on my mp3 player. Where the song ” Alive” from Chase & Status started – it couldn’t have been more perfect .
The intro in this version / the story about scarface / since two months, I have a scar on my face too thanks to a little accident in Sarajevo-
As the rain, keeps pouring down on me
And the sky is the only thing I see
And my troubles are gone with the wind
It’s just me, and the ground beneath my feet.
I feel so alive.
And my shadow, is the only thing I see.
Yeah. That is how it was. I felt alive, for a moment.