For a long time now, I guess I am feeling the way I feel and I kind of dysfunction. I survive. Or at least, try to. Hope and give up. Fight and lose. Fight and try. Fall back. Get up. Fall back. Get up. Fighting against these hurricanes inside my head and heart. Hurricanes who want to tear everything apart. Boxing against this circle which never seems to break. My fists getting slowly injured.
Once, for a very long time before, I was a robot, a machine. No feelings. Just doing what was expected from me. Numb. Always trying or failing things in a way that I would remain invisible and silent, and not attract any form of attention. And I succeeded pretty well in that. Often, I gave false answers or did not say what I actually had to say, or thought, just not to put attention on me. Being invisible, seemed the best, and the safest.
But that machine broke down at a particular day. Just by one simple question someone asked me:
” How are you doing, and I mean by that, how are you really doing?”