Oxygen, oxygen.

Since a couple of days the weather got really weird. Well, maybe that is actually for more then a couple of days, say two weeks or something. Ever since I left for Macedonia (to attend a training course) the weather changed in weird ways. There was snow in Macedonia, and not just some little snowflakes, but real snow, that made your whole foot and a part of your leg dissapear in the snow with a single step.

Anyway, I got back from Macedonia and I haven’t written about life for some while and that kind of had a reason I guess. At first the lack of internet and a computer, but second the complexity of feelings and thoughts that where playing a large role in my days. I went abroad for a reason, and I don’t have regret so far since I did not feel at home in the country where I grew up, honestly I feel like I have no right to exist there and I am a complete waste of time, space, energy and I should feel guilty about existing there and also since that I can not seem to find a way to live there or be part of ‘ life’ or however you should call it. That I had so much trouble to find a job (or even with applying) or do something with life, could not even rent a simple room like most students can manage, that I lived with my parents and was sitting at home all the time, and my income was 0,0 and I even failed to get any benefits or help. No, it was my own fault so I am the one to blame so I should feel guilty, that is what the country seemed to wanted me to feel. Well, thanks. (anyone wants my passport? I’d be happy to trade it).

Well anyway, here, things are different for sure,. In good and bad ways. I feel less guilty, since there is less pressure in certain ways. There is pressure, just different pressure. Here I feel, it is okay that I did not make it, that I are not able to make some kind of living or whatever, since there are so many other people like that here. The feeling of guilt is less here and that gives me a bit more space to breathe in certain ways. I still don’t know a lot of things, and still life is not easy, but this breathing space and different kind of pressure is something that is a good thing I think. The most of the days I have nothing to do and since there is not so much around here, and I don’t own a car or any form of motorized transportation, it is hard to get out of here (less public transport). So most of the times, I try to survive the days here as well. And fight these traps of emptiness and nothingness and try to avoid depression, which is clearly not working out so great, but I’m trying. There is not so much work to do and I just try to keep myself occupied, I bought some books but I read all 3 of them in 2 days so I’m out of them already. I ordered some new ones but the postal system is not too fast here so it will take some while before they reach me. Also I find it hard to interact with the people, there are not so much people that seem nice to interact with (with saying that I don’t mean that the people are not nice), everyone is just too busy with their own life and the most people are or a lot younger or a lot older than I am and I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem to go along too well. I am not a person who easily talks with everyone, I can be easygoing I guess but that is not something that happens often, I have to feel comfortable with the people and sometimes you connect with people and sometimes not, that is just how things go.

Maybe I should go on more trips during weekends, take a bus and stay overnight in a hostel (that is almost a must since travel takes long and there are not so many busses especially not during weekends). I had good times before when I went away for a couple of days off to Sarajevo and I had a good time in Skopje where I stayed longer after  I attended the training in another part of Macedonia. Those things were actually little victories for me: going alone, in a hostel (that seemed so not for me but somehow I found really nice hostels) and going around the cities alone, taking busses I don’t know alone, eating alone, and such things,  without feeling too bad.

Since a couple of days the weather got very very stuffy here that makes me feel stuffy too. And that brings doubt about my health as well. Probably I freak out too soon about my health, I mean there are more people around who have breathing problems and such, so maybe I should not make a big deal of it. My heart rate seems to be much better but suddenly my blood pressure went from a high to an almost (on the limit) low blood pressure and I have no idea why. I adapted my medication to it and that seems to get better but it makes no sense to me. Anyway I started keeping track of my heart rate and blood pressure every day and so far I noticed on bad days, days with lots of stress or doubts or confused feelings, it seems to be much higher.

Yesterday I struggled a bit. I felt very stuffy and depressed. But my health seemed to be okay. It was a Sunday without plans; I had no idea where to go or what to do. I was just sitting at my flat staring outside at the abandoned hotel across the river, when I decided I should go out for a walk, to move. It took me a couple of hours to get ready and actually leave the place, which was very hard to do. The start of the walk was terrible; I felt so stuffy and the weather was absolutely not helping: It was so humid. But I continued. And ended up walking for 3 hours, through what I think is the most beautiful route in this town, also the less hilly one. On the way I came across a few people, which somehow seems to be so uncomfortable lately. I never know what to do; do I have to greet them? Just walk past them and say nothing? Should I to make eye contact? Well all those tiny, probably simple things make me doubt so much I feel so uncomfortable I just wish I would not meet or come across anyone.

The walk was good, ( I will try to add some pictures later). I got back just in time before a thunderstorm broke out and when rain was pouring down like hell. The street turned into a river. I sat down again on the couch and stared outside. The day almost ended in a depressing being locked inside your house day. An hour later, I was still sitting there. With a lot of struggle I got up and put another pizza in the oven. No. 3 of this week. I couldn’t bother to go out or get some proper food. Pizza with artificial, plastic mushrooms. Yum (right?). It was not even 8 o’ clock and I wanted to go to sleep. But If I would go to sleep now, I would be early awake tomorrow. And yeah, that is a bit of a problem. What about tomorrow? sigh.

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2 thoughts on “Oxygen, oxygen.

  1. That sensation of guilt exists into me too. I don’t know why but I know I am the judge who every day spits the same sentence: guilty. And when my mind tries to call a lawyer, he says “it’s better plea bargaining, believe me”.
    There’re days where I feel resigned, others (not many) where I try to escape from this inside prison. But being guard of myself too, I always come captured 🙂
    The things that you do, I think they are great (really). Being to abroad and in a particular country as that, I think it’s never easy. Of course, it would be nice having someone close to you to talk or just to walk in silence but knowing that he/she EXISTS.
    A witness about your innocence.

    • thanks 🙂 Yeah, knowing that people exist is a good thing, though sometimes there are these moments you just need someone close, sometimes just the presence of someone you know who understands or accepts can be so helpful, but yeah we can not always control those things. Being abroad is not more difficult than being back where I used to live I guess, in certain ways it is even easier it seems how weird that may even sound. Life is much cheaper here and there is less pressure on being cool and awesome and those things in certain ways. I guess maybe you could say you are more allowed to be yourself somehow, though I still have to figure out who or how I am since I don’t know that really.

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